Yes, I am a woman over 60! I’ve got all the sage advice you need right here, right now.

1. For 50+ years, a woman’s boobs hang midway between her shoulders and hips. Therefore, when spotting a woman with perky boobs, it is fine to think to yourself, “I wonder when hers will drop.” Just don’t say it out loud.

2. There is no such thing as too many vibrators. Variety, as you know, is the spice of climax.

3. “You look so young” is a fine compliment, but “Hey, great job single-handedly taking down the president” is praise that will stick with you.

4. Stop beating yourself up when you forget things. You’ve got a lot of shit in your head. There are only three things you absolutely need to be able to recall at the snap of your fingers: your name, your security code, and the number of a bail bondsman.

5. If you’re going to lie about your age, fudge up, not down. People will be amazed at your stamina and good looks.

6. “Body control” undergarments are the number one cause of murder sprees in a woman over 60. Send yours to a hospital in need of tourniquets.

7. By now, you totally should have blackmailed someone. If not, what are you waiting for?

8. Do not hate on your poochy belly. It keeps you from bruising when you run into things and provides a pillow for your cat.

9. Good news: that tramp stamp you got in your 40s will not have sagged much 20 years later!

10. It’s better to find a spider web on your razor than your labia.