21 Items I’d Rather Receive In My Forever 21 Delivery

by Katherine Shaw
Katherine Shaw

The popular clothing store Forever 21 has shown itself to have some pretty immature business practices. Recently, customers opened their deliveries, only to come face-to-face with a free sample, seemingly inspired by junior high bullies: Atkins diet bars. What exactly are you saying, Forever 21?

Since it’s obvious that you’re desperate for ideas, here are 21 items I’d much rather receive in my delivery box:

  1. Wine. Red, white, whatever. Just give me some wine to take off the edge after dealing with your body shaming nonsense.
  2. A lavender-scented votive to help alleviate the rage felt after being fat-shamed by a company that I gave money to for clothes that are bound to fall apart after the second time I launder them.
  3. Body wax, but not the kind that ruthlessly rips out body hair. Ladies can be hairy! I want paraffin wax that’ll make my skin and body hair glisten.
  4. A sample of chamomille-scented laundry soap to help alleviate the stinging reality of knowing I paid a company for clothes, only to have that company fat-shame me, and even worse, I know these shitty clothes will get those annoying little fuzz balls after a single wear.
  5. Biodegradable body glitter for when I’m feeling flirty and about to check out Early-2000s Night while wearing my soon-to-degrade Forever 21 outfit.
  6. A copy of Sonya Renee Taylor’s The Body is Not An Apology. Oh, this isn’t for me. I want the book to be distributed around Forever 21’s headquarters.
  7. A list of Forever 21 directors who attended the now-mandated workshop, Diversity & Inclusion in Business Marketing 101.
  8. A 50%-off coupon to one of those meal-delivery companies. If you’re so concerned about my eating habits, you’re welcome to help cover the cost of well-balanced meal kits. I’d rather go to yoga than spend my time grocery shopping, reviewing my food budget, or planning meals for the week.
  9. A free yoga membership. Haven’t you heard? Physical health and spiritual health go hand-in-hand. My right hand (yin) is for opening the garbage can, and the left hand is for throwing out your stupid diet bar sample (yang). And now, I am at peace. OM!
  10. A copy of Forever 21’s revised business plan that now explicitly bans body-shaming marketing.
  11. Dark chocolate. It has antioxidants, so it’s pretty damn healthy and you don’t have to worry about me eating junk food.
  12. One-size-fits-all yoga pants. Either that, or yoga pants available in ALL sizes that cost the SAME. And I want mine with pockets, dammit!
  13. Face moisturizer with no mention of “anti-wrinkle” or “anti-aging.” I’m not 21 and I have wrinkles. What of it? Stop making me feel like the world is anti-ME.
  14. Gummy vitamins that may or may not contain CBD oil.
  15. A stress ball that I can crush with my hands, over and over again, as I think about how insensitive Forever 21 is.
  16. A time machine that places me in the Forever 21 boardroom the very minute they’re about to approve including diet bars in online shipments, gifting me the opportunity to metaphorically face-slap them with my lecture of the importance of body acceptance. If unable to deliver, see items #17-#21.
  17. Fine then. Give me a precious little box of matches.
  18. Also, a fire-resistant garbage can so that I may bundle up my Forever 21 delivery, place the wad of clothing into the garbage can, and then fling lit matches on top.
  19. I’ll also take a can of sparkling water. I like to stay hydrated, especially after blasting the song “Forever Young” and practicing my new dance routine. It’s a three-step dance: right foot stomp on Forever 21 clothing ashes, left foot slide through clothing ashes, and then jump on ashes!
  20. I’d also appreciate a N95 Respirator Mask to protect my lungs from smoke inhalation as I gaze into the beautiful flames.
  21. In the end, I want nothing from you. Get out of my sight Forever 21.

Help us speak out on gender equality issues and keep you laughing! Please donate!

You may also like

Body Perception

Let’s stay in touch!

Get a little Syn in your inbox!