25 Uses for Your Handmaid’s Tale Robe This Summer

by Leigh Anne Jasheway
Leigh Anne Jasheway

As The Handmaid’s Tale moves from fiction to non-fiction, all us breeders will soon have our very own red robes! Yay!

But during the hot summer months, you may find a robe too warm and restrictive. If the men around you give you permission to re-purpose yours, we have some ideas:

  1. Knot it above your breasts as a stunning swimsuit cover up.
  2. Fly it as a flag on the 4th of July. Who really knows what flag our country operates under these days?
  3. Cut it up into period pads.
  4. Fold it up and sit on it during outdoor concerts so you don’t have to worry about getting grass stains on your shorts (while you’re still allowed to wear such revealing clothing).
  5. Hide appliances underneath to aid shoplifting. You might want to wear a back brace for extra support.
  6. Use it as a back-up towel to dry off the dogs when you go to the beach or the lake.
  7. Smuggle asylum seekers to safe spaces under it.
  8. Gussy it up with a metallic belt (gold or silver) and some dangly earrings for a night on the town.
  9. Crash high school graduations and see if someone’s grandparents will give you money.
  10. Try flying it as a kite.
  11. Sew in some deep pockets and just sit back and revel in the idea of women’s clothing with functioning pockets.
  12. Toss it over your lampshade to set the mood.
  13. Stand like a bird with its wings spread over pasty-white kids at the beach, serving as a de facto umbrella so they don’t get sunburned.
  14. Use it as a car cover to keep bird poop off your vehicle.
  15. Stand in front of a used car lot and wave your arms like one of those inflatable wavy arm guys. You might get a percentage of the day’s commission.
  16. Carry a basket instead of a purse and pretend to be Little Red Riding Hood. Randomly yell out, “Is that you, grandma?”
  17. Bedazzle the back with the words “Equal Rights Amendment.”
  18. Gather together a passel of other women in their robes and place yourself along the road as safety cones, protecting road workers from injury. It’s okay if you get hurt. You’re just host bodies.
  19. Tie it around your neck as a bib when eating barbecue.
  20. Toss it out in front of you before you enter the movie theater and pretend you’re on the red carpet.
  21. Use it as a temporary bed sheet when you haven’t done laundry in ages.
  22. Get out your sewing machine and make it into a combination robe and culottes. Tell people online that it’s the latest trend and see how many likes you get on Instagram.
  23. Use it to signal distress when your car breaks down on the side of the road. Add fire for a flare of drama.
  24. Play a game of tug-of-war with it. The winner gets reproductive rights.
  25. Light it on fire, over which you can stir your witch’s cauldron and summon up demons to take down the patriarchy.

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