Weight loss is the cure for whatever ails you. Be it a physical illness or struggling with ennui since the 2016 election, losing weight seems to be the answer.
For example, during my last medical appointment, I told my doctor that I was feeling worn out from what seemed to be a wicked case of bronchitis. She immediately advised me to lose weight and registered me for a diabetes prevention class. Did she care that I’d recently dropped 30 lbs.? Or that my bloodwork results were within normal range, aside from having a slightly elevated white blood cell count, meaning I was fighting – wait for it – an infection!? But hey, what do I know? Perhaps losing weight would clear up my bronchitis.
In the haze of my mucus-heaving state, a wave of enlightenment struck me. Or perhaps, I was dehydrated and on the verge of losing consciousness – and entering a new level of consciousness!
Previously ungrateful of the appetite suppressant powers that illness brings, my newly mucus-enlightened self saw the silver lining that unfortunate life events bestowed. Or, more aptly put, I saw the “thinner lining” of being sick.
Now I understand that sickness and misery are necessary components for weight loss! You too can emaciate yourself thinner. Here’s how:
#1 Contract the Flu
There are countless illnesses one may contract for weight loss purposes, but unfortunately, most require lifelong physician oversight, medication costs, setting up a GoFundMe account, etc. This is why contracting the flu is one of the best ways to jumpstart weight loss. Not only is the flu available several times a year, but its symptoms usually diminish after a few weeks. Sure, the flu killed 80,000 people in the U.S. last year, but ask yourself this – are you willing to risk your life in order to lose weight? The correct answer according to the Health & Beauty Industry is: Absolutely.
Be cautious in your attempts to contract the flu because it has similar symptoms to the common cold, and you do NOT want a cold. They say, “Feed a cold, starve a flu.” I’m not sure who “they” are, but I suspect Gwyneth Paltrow’s Health & Waif-ness crew.
Popular locations for contracting the flu are your neighborhood ER waiting room, your niece’s kindergarten class on volunteer day, or simply being within 6-feet of that special coworker who has little concern for others and arrives to work coughing. Seek out these flu opportunities! Within 24 hours of licking your sick coworker’s keyboard, your 102-degree fever will surely ward off pesky hunger pangs. Additionally, the human body is approximately 60% water, and the flu virus has proven time and again to dehydrate out oppressive water weight. Forget about drinking lemon juice with cayenne pepper; a flu-inspired diet of Tylenol PM and tea is just the cleanse you’ve been waiting for!
#2 Cozy Up to Your Breaking Point
If you’re physically and/or mentally exhausted, this is excellent news! One of the most effective methods for shedding pounds is to experience burnout. If you’re questioning whether to stay in a career that makes you hate every minute between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., lean into that misery. Did you know that burnout actually *burns more calories compared to individuals who have work-life balance (*specific scientific data yet to be discovered). With a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, and night terrors to boot, your body will be so full of the stress hormone cortisol that food becomes unnecessary.
#3 Acquire Yourself Some Heartache
Ah, love. Aside from discovering a display of free tampons in a restaurant bathroom, it is the absolute best feeling in the world. You love them, and they love you! Bask in the glory of proving your mother wrong; you can trust people with your heart…
…then your relationship implodes.
After weeks of oxytocin withdrawal and reconciling with the very real possibility that you will never find an emotionally available partner, violá – you are 10 lbs. lighter!
Breakups are an efficient method for weight loss and I can’t recommend them enough. Not only will you become completely disinterested with food, but the gift of “me time” will present itself in the form of insomnia. You’ll have an extra three hours a night to contemplate how to live your best life. YOUR life. Just YOU. All ALONE.
Utilize these newly gained nighttime hours by researching the wealth of #independentlady advice. For example, studies (online articles) have shown that people tend to gain weight when coupled. So stop these self-destructive patterns of seeking love and partnership! Each day spent in a loving relationship puts your BMI at risk of increasing. Love is fattening, so get rid of it!
Losing your appetite also presents you with the rare opportunity to engage with you inner-child:
Adult Self: “What do you want to eat?”
Inner-Child: “I’m not hungry.”
Adult Self: “You need to eat something. I’ll give you anything you want!”
Inner-Child: “Fine. Nachos.”
*Inner-Child eats two chips, then pushes plate away*
Inner-Child: “I’m full.”
Adult Self: “You’re killing me. I love you, but you’re literally killing me.”
Experiencing these unfortunate life events are great methods for re-setting your relationship with food. Just turn on any romantic comedy where the leading female character is portrayed as frumpy, works at a dead-end job, and hasn’t been on a date in years. After the obligatory makeover/treadmill montage, the female character emerges anew! Now slim and trim and small, she is worthy of the coveted Male Gaze.
You too can be like this fictional character who fails Bechdel tests with glee! Just get the flu, hate your job as much as you hate Trump, and mourn a past relationship. You’ll be skinny in no time.