4 Products for Anyone Who’s Already Failed a New Year’s Diet

by Katherine Shaw
Katherine Shaw

I’m sorry, but I can’t be your New Year’s #bodygoals buddy. You see, my mother placed me on my first diet when I was in kindergarten; while the other children unabashedly dunked cookies into whole milk, I requested skim milk and proceeded to carry a solitary chocolate chip inside my nostril as a desperate attempt to ward off cookie cravings. Things got really interesting once the chocolate melted and brown goo dripped from my nose. I kept repeating this because I fancied the school nurse as my best friend. Only children are a special breed, especially the fat ones.

It’s taken decades to rewrite my own narrative: to feel worthy despite being fat, to refuse being treated like dirt by people who feel righteous when belittling fat people, and to embrace my ability to pin to the ground anyone who yells, “Leggings aren’t pants!” until they beg for mercy.

Contemplating what to say to dieters this year, the only thing I’ve come up with so far is:

Oh, you’re hungry? Cry me a river! No, seriously – I’ve heard crying burns at least ten calories per hour. It’s not even February and you’ve already cheated on your diet? Are you some kind of food whore? Shame! Shame!

Reflecting on past experiences, this seems the appropriate social response when someone confides that they’ve given up on their New Year’s diet. I’ve always tried a kinder, gentler approach whenever a close friend or a random woman at the grocery checkout would express diet woes to me. It sounded like this: “Fuck diets! Diets are a malicious marketing ploy that manipulates the average person into feeling inadequate when they don’t resemble a beauty standard that is attainable by few.”

Yes, this speech was excerpted from my graduate thesis and I keep it at the ready in my purse (it’s laminated!) just in case I’m confronted by fat-shamers or need to encourage a body-apologist to embrace their size. I don’t chip away at monthly student loan payments for nothing.

But frequently, my “All bodies are good bodies” response is NOT appreciated. Rather than brighten, the distraught dieter’s face sinks and they go in search of someone who’ll engage in diet dialogue. I refuse to participate in diet culture! No matter how much a friend or random person wants to hear “Starve bitch!” from me when they complain of being hungry, my response has and always will be, “I heard the bar down the street added bacon to their poutine. Wanna go?!”

Humor may be my sole defense this time of year when there are so many dazzling New Year’s 20% off diet promotions flashing in the media that I fear a seizure is on the way. Hmm, I wonder if anyone’s calculated how many calories a seizure burns…

Since I refuse to be a diet sympathizer, I’ve decided to create my own outrageous, stupidly funny diet products, which I’ve typed up on laminated flyers to hand out to randos in line at the store:

Glitz Bitz, the bite-sized cluster of non-toxic glitter, allows millennials to put their money where their mouths are – consumers can literally shit glitter! Instagram Influencer Candi Holes was inspired to create these calorie-safe edibles after a lemon rind/fish oil cleanse had explosive results during Coachella ’17. Make the most of digestive distress with Glitz Bitz, the must-see product of the season. Stay thin and let your insides truly shine!

Airhead Bar (not to be confused with the popular candy AirHeads®) offers committed dieters the illusionary promise of eating, along with a complimentary high-intensity training session with every purchase. Wrapper penetration is accomplished after twenty minutes of continual pulling, providing customers with improved toning of the pectorals. Airhead Bar is reportedly “light in mouthfeel” due to our five-ingredient recipe: nitrogen, oxygen, water vapor, argon, and carbon dioxide, commonly known as “air.”

Salt Stick is a reliable food substitute for anyone struggling to maintain the svelte stallion physique that’s necessary for an optimal saddling experience. Whenever your tummy is kicking in hunger, take a lick of Salt Stick – appetite be gone! Salt Stick continues to gain in popularity thanks to the #sexpositive community’s efforts in saying “neigh” to kink shame. Join our exclusive Leather Membership (miniature fee required) and automatically receive a sample of our Himalayan-flavored Salt Stick. Disclaimer: not advisable for low-sodium diets.

Peanuts Pro-Teen is leading the way for environmentally-friendly weight loss supplements thanks to founders and high school sweethearts Karen and John. Three days into their keto diets and in extreme need of a snack, John began nibbling at Styrofoam, then plastic wrap, then finally…yes, packing peanuts! The pounds melted away and the Peanuts Pro-Teen business began! Two years later, Karen flaunts her cheerleader uniform in front of her letterman-jacket-wearing husband, Trevor. Though unfortunate that John passed away after contracting a nasty case of sepsis, Karen honored his memory by expanding the Peanuts Pro-Teen brand.

You are invited to print out these outlandish fake diet products and share with anyone who unnecessarily beats themselves up for eating food. After all, this would simultaneously achieve two of my New Year’s intentions: practice generosity and fight for social justice whenever possible.

Or you could just go celebrate the New Year by feeding yourself because you might end up feeding your inner child along the way – let no inner child go hungry!  Especially if she has a chocolate chip up her nostril.

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