A Lady’s Guide to Keeping Weed Under Wraps While Stuck in the ‘Burbs

by Rose E. Revolver
Rose E. Revolver

Weed, in many a Millennial’s household, has become a staple. Weed is a way to momentarily escape from the Cheeto-colored hell that has become American politics. And thanks to crippling student debt, affordable housing in the city makes at least my homicidal/suicidal urges soar.

But the warm embers of weed keeps those darker thoughts at bay. Especially when faced with the reality (again) that my city liv’n dream is simply not affordable.

So, Millennials like myself are forced into the Suburbs in search of the American dream. Of course, this was not the dream I had in mind. Someone please wake me from this nightmare!

This Millennial lady is hell-bent on not giving into the Siren call of the Suburban Stepford Wife. Instead, I’m taking up a covert whisper chant, “Give me weed or give me death!” #GMWGMD.

Okay, maybe not death. But, “Deliver us from the Xanax-popping Robo-babe lifestyle that kills your liver one white wine spritzer at a time” is too lengthy a chant when stoned – my lung capacity isn’t what it used to be. Cough cough. Oh, that wasn’t a suggestive cough to highlight my point. I just took a mighty puff…hold on a sec…

There’re ways to “keep it green” at home without tarnishing your browser history. With the right combination of paraphernalia and only semi-hazy motor function, neighbors are none the wiser if they sniff a whiff of Sweet Green. They’ll blame it on cute lil’ Gladys down the street, lighting up for her granny glaucoma…so no need to complain to the HOA, folks!

Here are 10 ways to keep your weed under wraps in the ‘burbs:

#1

Having observed my family’s history of overt drug use, I can tell you that a window fan with a reverse flow function is essential. Trust me, I coined my aunt’s house the “easy bake oven” due to the amount of herbal residue on every surface. Within minutes of entering, I was ready to bust out my easy bake oven to make a snack! Turn that fan function to outflow, light up, and rest easy knowing you can use your brand new convection oven to take care of your adult munchie needs.

#2

Older generations are convinced that Millennials are hipsters, or hippies anyway. So it won’t seem out of place to light some incense on what I call the Altar of Illusion. The illusion is that I give a damn. Let those earthy scents cover up your lack of “Yes sir” attitude that older neighbors expect from youngins. Sandalwood, patchouli and sage are just a few recommended scents.

#3

However, if you go full out Bob Marley-style and forget the fan, sorry, but nothing will help. Expect the president of the HOA to slide into your DMs, hopefully asking who your dealer is. Sometimes you gain an unlikely ally! So just stay cool. Calm down. Eat another brownie. Offer the HOA president one.

#4

Speaking of drug dealers…I may have dated one back in the day. I learned from him an invaluable lesson in scent-stealth. Install a charcoal air filter in your bathroom of choice. This is particularly necesary if your significant other isn’t as on-board with the whiff of your self-medication. Imagine how effortless it would be to go into the bathroom, turn on the fan, and light up, worry free! Add a chaise lounge and a hidden snack bar. Life could be a dream!

#5

If you’re worried about the smoke ventilating outside giving you away, I suggest paying extra attention to your garden (the outdoor one, not the mini grow-op in your walk in-closet). Herbs such as basil, lemon balm, thyme, oregano, sage, rosemary and lavender are natural ways of muting the weed scent. If that fails…

#6

Install an American flag in your yard. Your neighbors can assume it’s your victory garden. But with this comes invites to neighbors’ backyard BBQs. Attend and play it cool. If anyone asks about the skunk smell emanating from your house, give a non-committal shrug and say your skunk sanctuary comes with a cost, but saving baby skunk lives is so rewarding.

#7

BBQs and similar events are where edibles come in handy. Gummies add a much needed kiss of fruit flavored THC for instances of forced socialization. Just be sure to keep the gummies away from sticky fingered children.

#8

If you are caught red-handed by your niece, don’t give into the stoner paranoia. Play it cool, pop the gummy bear, shrug and say, “Oops, that was the last one!” You may be a little higher than expected, but it was for a selfless cause.

#9

If your nosy neighbor Tina is always “just popping by” to invite you to another excruciating social event, Amazon Prime Ona Pro Gel.

This product is specifically designed to cover up the smell of marijuana in grow houses (drug dealer bf remember?). This should mask the residual smell of the Devil’s Lettuce in your home. Tina may suspect you’re “on something” but she won’t be able to confirm anything thanks to stealth green housekeeping.

#10

And when you absolutely must leave the Green Sanctuary that is your home, include these essentials in your purse: Visine, some curiously strong mints, hand sanitizer (for basic hygiene), an emergency joint, and a $50 bill in case of bribery when Tina’s teenager gives you that knowing look at the grocery store check out. That basket of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch and vegan chili cheese fries fix’ns is a dead giveaway.

I think we all deserve the calm that comes from cannabis, without worrying about rising the neighbor’s ire. For our weed consumption at least – I’m keeping my VOTE BERNIE sign in my living room window!

After implementing these tips, it’s all gravy (oh god – gravy! Mmmm). In fact, why not chill out in your hammock, eating that bowl of vegan gravy? You’ve been forced to the ‘burbs and are facing lifelong debt. A night at home is all you can afford anyway. Celebrate where you can. #GMWGMD

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