WARNING! The following is a list of my top five favorite Dick pics. View at your own risk.
1. My downstairs neighbor
My neighbor Dick sings in a 90s grunge cover band. He also sings in his shower, kitchen and pretty much everywhere else. In fact, I’ve never heard him NOT singing. His voice is a mild blend of Joe Cocker and Pee Wee Herman. You can check out his band every third Thursday of the month down at Chacho Macho’s bar and grill.
2. My financial advisor
My financial advisor Dick is great at getting me the best interest rates. Thanks to him, I might actually get to retire by the time I’m 93. He’s also an avid standup comedian and coin collector. Although well-written, his set is chock full of dick and bitch-where’s-my-money jokes.
3. My third sexual partner
What can I say, we all make mistakes. I met Dick at a yoga retreat. We gave up dairy and wrote horrible folk songs together. Then he went to another yoga retreat where he met his wife, Sundance. Dick is not allowed to go to yoga retreats anymore and I’ve since taken up spinning.
4. My Dad’s best friend
My Dad’s best friend Dick is a real hoot. He’s a retired ophthalmologist and can’t get enough practical jokes. He and my dad go fishing every spring and really pull some good ones over on the other guys. You should have seen Pete’s face when they put that blow-up Godzilla in the outhouse.
5. My pet fish
I got my pet Dick, three weeks ago. Since my other fish’s name is Rick, Dick seemed like the perfect choice. Dick likes to frolic, and boy, can he eat. I think I’ll call my next fish Gland.