It seems that everywhere you look these days, there’s a white woman yelling at people of color. The apparent offenses vary from selling lemonade or having a barbecue in public, to blocking the sunlight as a white woman tries to darken her skin (the irony apparently being blocked from her as well).

Now, some of these ladies are just plain drunk or high. It’s clear from the cell phone videos: they slur their words and wear tube tops in public, both of which are clear signs of substance abuse (especially when the white lady’s boobs are hanging out the bottom of the tube). But these Screaming Sheilas are semi-coherent and have no excuse for their sheer nastiness… other than generations of inbreeding and perhaps thong underwear that have become permanently wedged into their hinterlands like a coarse hair stuck in dried-up playdough.

As a white woman myself, I’m tired of being made to look bad by these vigilante women who clearly need a few good rounds with a multiple-speed vibrator named Big Tony. Believe me when I say that one of these can take the edge off your outrage faster than you can say, “Ah! Ah! AHHHH!”

Some folks have created checklists of rational ways for white women to decide whether to call 9-1-1 on a group of people they dislike almost as much as their in-laws; however, I think rational went out the window long ago, on a note rubber-banded to a hurled brick. What we really need is a list of ideas to help keep nosey white ladies off the streets so they don’t have to decide between minding their own business and being a soon-to-be-unemployed pain in the ass.

So, I’ve put together a few ideas.

You’re in a racist mood and there’s not a pill for that yet. What should you do? How about:

  1. Smoke some weed and chill until the waves of hatred mellow out.
  2. Try your hand at ice sculpting. It’s hard to maintain red-hot anger when ice chips are flying into your cleavage (wherever that may be, possibly hanging out the bottom of your tube top).
  3. Learn the art of self-tattooing. What better way to channel your hostility than by etching a skull and crossbones into your weeping, swollen thigh?
  4. Search the Internet for people who can raise your children without the same narrow-mindedness that you’ve been taught.
  5. Submit a video to Big Brother or Survivor. They’re always looking for colorful folk who the audience wants to root against.
  6. Send a DNA sample to 23&Me so you can freak out about your “impure” lineage for months (ignore the flags pointing to inbreeding, it’s not your fault). Be sure to text all your racist relatives!
  7. Crochet Confederate flag cozies for every item in your house. Do NOT leave the house for yarn (or anything, for that matter)—you can have that delivered!
  8. Take up pole dancing! Something cold between your thighs might be just the type of self-soothing you’re looking for.
  9. Send your husband to Ikea for new furniture (it’s pronounced I Kia, not icky-a) and spend the next 6-8 months trying to put it together as a couple.
  • Underline every passage in the Bible that you think justifies your horrid behavior so that when we finally unlock your door and let you out of your house, you can claim ‘it’s the Christian thing to do’.

Please, if you know any racist white ladies who are planning to leave their house today, share this with them (but don’t leave the house to do this, it can be forwarded from your phone). And feel free to jot down your own ideas for self-restraint. It’s the least we rational white women can do.