Horror-ble Chick Flicks for Halloween

by Leigh Anne Jasheway
Leigh Anne Jasheway

I’m not a big fan of horror movies, especially these days when just reading my Twitter feed feels like I’ve wandered into the foggy woods with an axe-wielding serial killer on the loose. At the same time, “chick flicks” aren’t really my thing either because everyone can predict how they’ll end (spoiler alert: the girl will get the boy, even if he’s spent the whole movie showing he’s unworthy of her love).

With Halloween fast-approaching, I was thinking that maybe if we made rom coms a little more horror-ble, we might have movies worth plunking down $15 a ticket for. See what you think of these:

  • The Exercist – Regan, a 20-something woman starts acting odd – levitating, speaking in tongues, not smiling when random men tell her to – so her overbearing mother calls in Max, a hunky personal trainer to work the demons out. Regan screams expletives at Max while her head spins around; Max yells back “That is NOT the proper form for neck stretches!” In the end, Max offers to not charge for his services if Regan doesn’t throw his body against the wall again. There is no love connection, but Regan’s mom stops interfering in her life, which is really all she wanted.
  • Texas Nail File Massacre – When Sally gets a text telling her that her grandfather’s Facebook page may have been vandalized by incels who are angry that they have been friend-zoned, she and Amber, her co-worker at the nail salon, set out to track down the culprits. They soon discover a pack of pale, basement-dwelling, outcasts hellbent on angry-tweeting anyone who comes near. Using nothing but nail files and a dremel, the women quickly make mincemeat out of the monsters – literally. They celebrate by quitting the salon, opening a food truck that specializes in mincemeat pie, and having chainsaw-loud sex with each other every night.
  • Silence of the Damns – Clarice is a top student at the FBI’s training academy, where she is studying the psychology of criminal behavior. When tasked with interviewing Dr. Hannibal Lecter, an acclaimed psychiatrist turned violent psychopath, she recognizes him as the professor who forced his hand down her blouse during office hours and then published one of her papers under his own name. She hand-and-leg-cuffs Dr. Lecter to a table, sticks a ball gag in his mouth, and has a large Polish woman wax his entire hairy body. Then she goes home to her boyfriend, who doesn’t appear on screen, but they have an adequate sex life and live in a moderately-expensive condo that we also never see. At least that’s what she tells the other FBI agents.
  • The Shining Forehead – Jacki agrees to housesit for friends in their monstrous home on an isolated mountain in Colorado, despite her tendency to get cold any time the temperature drops below 80. She’s looking forward to some alone time so that she can finish her dark novel, Pussy-Slapped to Death. Unfortunately, Jacki is plagued by writer’s block and spends her time worrying about why her forehead is always so shiny. Meanwhile, Scott, a well-mannered ski-operator drops by for a cup of tequila and they have a night of hot sex. They agree to never see each other again, but she notices the next morning that her skin has cleared up and she quickly finishes her book.
  • Rosemary’s WTF Baby – A woman in her late 40s gets pregnant and goes a wee bit mad. She starts stalking her gynecologist, the man who told her she was peri-menopausal and it was “probably” safe for her to have sex with her struggling actor husband without protection. After weeks of both morning sickness and keying her gyno’s Tesla, she starts to develop feelings for the baby growing inside her. So she goes home to her spouse and accepts her lot in life. After the baby is born, Rosemary teaches her to curse in fourteen different languages.
  • Night Sweats on Elm Street – Freddy Kruger is a hot-flashing menopausal woman who hasn’t slept through the night since before her teenagers were born. Needless to say, she also hasn’t had time for a mani-pedi, so her nails, especially those on her left hand are long and unkempt, causing neighborhood children to believe she is some kind of serial killer. This is fine with Freddy because she doesn’t want prying eyes in the cul-de-sac to realize that the delivery boy who drops off her hormones doesn’t leave until morning.
  • The Blair Bitch Project – Three student filmmakers – Heather, Michael, and Josh – hike into the Black Hills of Maryland to film a documentary about assorted fungi. Michael keeps pointing the camera at Heather, suggesting she “do something about her resting bitch face,” and laughing like he’s funny. Only Heather and Josh return from the hike. A year later, a group of stoned mushroom pickers discover that the source of their ‘shroomy bounty is Michael’s decaying body. Josh, meanwhile, has become a monk and Heather is dating a blind man who never comments on her looks, but thinks she tastes delicious.

Now those are some movies, I’d whip out my credit card to see!

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