For those of you who haven’t heard, we’ve been gifted the celebrity-endorsed option to apply foundation all over our bodies thanks to Kim Kardashian. For a mere $45, you can pour her 4 oz. tube of body makeup on those less-than-perfect areas.
This leaves me with a tricky math problem: how many 4 oz. tubes of body makeup are needed to fill my bathtub?
Psych! I’m no sucker! I’ve said it 47 times and I’ll say it again: I’m the lucky recipient of the unhelpful version of body dysmorphia. Let me explain – regardless of how inadequate the Health & Beauty industry wants me to consider myself, I feel pretty fan-fucking-tastic.
Sorry Kim K., but you’ll have to do the hard thing and put that 6th Bentley car on layaway. You’re not getting any of my money! You also have some explaining to do regarding this product:
#1 This is an affront to my body’s natural slenderizing camouflage: stretch marks.
All the designers go on and on about the slimming effects of vertical lines. And I am covered in vertical lines! Stretch marks are better than any accessory, and you want me to cover up these little babies? Oh hell no.
#2 Your body makeup only comes in seven shades.
Firstly, Rihanna’s Fenty foundation comes in 40 shades, so you are vastly underperforming in comparison to your peers.
Secondly, seven shades means this product is inaccessible to melanin-deficient people. Example: I’m Irish and thus have no undertone. The lady at Sephora said my undertone was “cool” but I know she meant “you have the glow of a recently embalmed corpse.”
Thirdly, I realize that you and your sisters made the Drag Queen Art of Contouring popular for impressionable youth, but no Drag Queen worth her gaff would invest in a product that doesn’t allow for proper blending. Now sashay away…
#3 I’ve grown quite fond of the patch of eczema on my lower right leg. I’ve no need to cover it up.
This is because when asked, I tell a little white lie and say that my eczema patch is actually a scar earned while battling Paula Deen’s racism. Upon calling out her despicable use of the N-word, she attempted to silence me by flinging scalding hot butter on my lower leg. I don’t need your $45 body makeup to cover up my eczema – lies are free!
#4 Your website states this product is water-resistant. Um, who on your marketing team didn’t understand the importance of water-proof?
We’ve entered SUMMER and summer means SWEAT! Let me get this straight – you’ve launched a product that will result in innocent sweaty people having makeup stains all over their tiny white summer shorts? Are we being punk’d? Is Ashton in on this? Who approved Ashton to be on your Board of Directors?!
#5 Under the “Tips & Tricks” section of your website, you not-so-subtly direct customers to apply body makeup with a “KKW beauty brush.”
Yet, there is no hyperlink to this (and this is just a guess!) overly-priced product of yours. This is the definition of lazy, Kim. Who’s your marketing contact again? I think you should consider hiring me as your consultant because I’m perfectly comfortable telling you “this is utter bullshit” and that’s really the foundation for all business relationships.
Seriously Kim, call me. Not only can I provide you with much-needed marketing advice, but I think you’re past due for some good ol’ fashioned fun. Do you really spend all that time applying body makeup – only to apply translucent setting powder – then wait for it to dry? OMG that sounds as boring as watching paint dry.
Let’s hit the town Kim! No makeup! No bras!
And no more malicious business practices that perpetuate the idea that women need hundreds of dollars worth of beauty products before daring to step outside their homes!