Patriarchy, I have a few questions and many comments regarding your performance. What exactly do you DO? 50% of your colleagues have filed grievances against you, declaring everything from sexual assault to incompetence. Evidently, this misconduct has gone on for centuries.

Therefore, I’m initiating an assessment of your World Ruler job duties. You will be provided a copy of the final evaluation. You will also receive notice of whether or not you shall remain in this leadership role.

Please respond to the following inquiries:

#1 If men are providers, what exactly are they providing?

There is vast skepticism on your ability to provide. According to your “family values” perspective, the best place for women and children is inside the home. This causes menfolk to make their mark on the world. Huh, that certainly explains the many public urinations I’ve happened upon, to the chagrin of my already sensitive gag reflex.

Complicating your stance, though the United States runs first place in worldwide GDP, we’re home to over 217K homeless women. Your promises of security are false. Where’s my matchbox? I got some pants to light on fire, along with my bra.

#2 If you bring home the bacon, why am I still hungry?

When I was a child, my mother managed to feed me semi-regularly with the aid of food stamps, dumpster diving, and freezer burnt meat offerings from my slightly deranged grandmother. At age ten, my mother’s boyfriend moved in; my only solace was the anticipation of eating bacon. But the years went on, and I remained bacon-less.

My childhood hunger pangs were not a unique experience. Have you checked your data recently, Patriarchy? Currently, the United States has over 12 million children who face food insecurity. This is an extreme failure since children only require 1200 to 1800 calories a day! I am well aware of your affinity for starving women, but children too?

#3 If boys don’t cry, why am I expected to cry?

Unfortunately, we live in a culture where gender norms run rampant. This has created unfair expectations for individuals to fall into two narrow categories: Toxic Bully and Helpless Bimbo. From hysteria to heartache, women may shriek each and every note of human emotional range. On the other hand, men are chained to two emotional notes: mild anger, and anger.

Is this really how you want to live? An emotionally constipated life does not sound appealing. I’ll let you in on a little secret: the assumption of female emotional diarrhea is no treat either, since I’m perceived as a Modern-Day Medusa when I scream at romcoms rather than cry. How about we all scream and cry a little and call it being human?

#4 Why can’t you see that assaulting and harassing a beehive will result in more stings than honey?

Apparently, there is a gross misunderstanding on how to get a lady’s attention. To help anyone confused by the concept of consent and the consequences of not obtaining consent, I offer this analogy:

Pooh Bear is hungry for honey. He claimed the honey was just too tempting to resist. Pooh Bear approached a beehive with entitlement and got stung. Then he complained about not knowing how to approach the beehive. Pooh Bear underestimated the power of bees, and now pouts about the (brief) pause of his comedy career. 

Perhaps Pooh would’ve been offered some honey if Pooh asked permission to interact with the beehive. There is no shortage of honey; the problem is that Pooh is being a very lazy, inconsiderate bear. Pooh has literally 1.3M other beehives (age 18 or older) to respectfully engage with.

#5 How is it that you demand sex, but don’t want women to have access to birth control?

Here’s a simple math equation:

Sex – Birth Control = Babies

Alive Babies = Shelter + Food

Babies – (Shelter + Food) = Dead Babies

Were you unaware that birth control prevents this issue altogether? Patriarchy, if you’re indeed a lover of babies, why breed more when your current babies face homelessness and hunger?

This leaves me to believe that you are purposely overpopulating the world because 1) you really don’t care about women and children, and/or 2) you have an underground Fantasy Canni-ball game and are eager to see what country resorts to eating each other first.

PERFORMANCE EVALUATION RESULTS FOR PATRIARCHY

Unfortunately, Patriarchy, you have not met performance expectations for areas of productivity, behavior, or ethics. You are unable to collaborate with others and continually fail at delivering basic services. Due to customer service ratings falling to an all-time low and your unwillingness to alter your leadership methods, I’ve made the obvious decision: you’re fired!

Sincerely,

C.R.A.M.P.

Committee for Reviving All Matriarchal Power