January 27, 2225. In this post-patriarchal society ruled by women, mansplaining has been outlawed since 2025. However, men continue to organize clandestine seminars to teach each other this ancient practice.
Gentlemen, please sit down. We are all taking a risk being here today but sharing this piece of our male heritage is well worth it. Since last month’s seminar was discovered and attendees were arrested; we have decided to gather in Paul’s grandmother’s basement. As long as you have followed my instructions, our female overlords should be confident that we are all at the park doing our required daily exercise. Michael has collected all of your fitbits and is walking them on his dogs as we speak.
Now let’s get started. It is through our rich oral history that we can relive the days when men were able to explain things to women without being killed or worse, shamed. We have gathered here today to celebrate our heritage and learn how it functioned in the world before the feminist revolution.
Men of that time walked the land with a great knowledge of many things. This knowledge expanded beyond the limits of any one man’s experience and expertise. The ancients knew when women needed advice, guidance and feedback even before they did, and generously provided it. Our forefathers knew how to question women, keep them in their place and compliment their outfits so they would stay complacent.
For the sake of time we need to keep moving. It’s important that each of you get a chance and feel what it was like to mansplain. I see a question in the back. What’s that? How did we fall from power? Well that’s a tragic story. It all started with a movie called Wonder Woman.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK
“Paul is that you?”
Shhhh, everyone silent!
“Yes, Grandmother. I’m doing my daily exercise.”
“Is someone down there with you? I heard talking.”
“No grandmother, I’m praying to the Goddess while I exercise.”
Shhhh, no one move!
That was close. Paul go upstairs and let us know when the coast is clear.
“She’s back watching her stories. We can continue.”
Back to your question, Wonder Woman was a film that gave women a glimpse of a society ruled by them alone. She herself was such a forceful example of beauty, strength and virtue that women of that time started to blog.
They blogged and tweeted and shared their experiences of living under the rule of men. Their frustration pushed them to run for office and help each other advance in many facets of society. Legend tells us they were “fed up”. We no longer understand the meaning of this phrase, but it had great power and inspired the revolution.
Let’s start, please pair up. Each of you has been given an opinion and I want you to keep only that in your mind. Try to get your partner to submit to your opinion. We all know the importance of listening and considering the other person’s view. The ancients didn’t do that. DO NOT AGREE! In this exercise there is only your perspective.
You WILL offend your partner and you must ignore it and keep going. We will practice for 5 minutes and then we will add another element. Ready? GO!
How did that feel? I know it’s uncomfortable to state your opinion as if the other person isn’t there, but well done. Alright, let’s try it as a game. Go for another 5 minutes and see how many times you can interrupt your partner.
The person with the most interruptions wins. Ready? GO!
I see that some of you are uncomfortable interrupting and had to check how your partner was feeling. Don’t worry about your partner. In order to truly help your partner, you must pound your opinion into their mind. You know what is best for them. This is the ancient way.
(The door flies open, and heavy footsteps are heard on the stairs.)
“Ladies, they’re down here.”
“Alright boys, you’re all under arrest. Line up single file. Hips and lips.”