Anti-Abortion Legislator or Creepy Tinder Date?

by Tiffany Burton
Tiffany Burton

Quiz: Anti-Abortion Legislator or Creepy Tinder Date?

Doesn’t even know you, but thinks it’s okay to tell you what he plans to do with your body

Sorely lacking in knowledge of the female anatomy.

Orders for you, even though he has no idea what you want.

Orders a bunch of stuff for himself, but makes you pay for all of it.

Goes on incessantly about matters on which you are an expert, without pausing to ask what you think. When you finally manage to interject a few words, accuses you of “getting emotional.”

Texts you “WYD” every night for nine nights in a row.

Literally does not know how to send a text message. Still manages to force himself into your personal space and remain there for at least nine months.

Mansplains science and religion to you; gets both wrong.

Gets wasted and pushes you onto the bed. Grinds on you, gropes you, and covers your mouth when you start to scream.

Thinks he belongs inside you.

Doesn’t care about consent.

Punishes you harshly when you refuse to do what he wants.

Will make a lot of exceptions for you if you’re rich and white.

Single-minded in his attempts to strip you of your rights.

Single-minded in his attempts to strip off your clothes.

Much like a six-week-old cluster of embryonic cells governed by so-called “heartbeat” laws, doesn’t actually have a heart.

Gets wasted and writes a long, nonsensical diatribe invoking antiquated gender roles, the desire to control you, and something about Jesus Christ and how your hips were made for childbirth.

Is a married, Christian, Southern government official who gets you pregnant, pressures you to have a secret abortion, then loudly proclaims (preferably via statewide legislation) that abortion is a moral outrage.

Repeatedly tries to screw you.

Is named Brett.

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