Match the funny one-liner to the woman who said it.

Just because I have my standards, they think I’m a bitch.

I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized… I’m just slutty. Where’s my parade?

In a certain light, feminism is just the long, slow realization that the stuff you love hates you.

If I had Instagram it would just be pictures of my son. Who is a cat.

I did not want my tombstone to read, 'She kept a really clean house.

You’re either a feminist or a masochist.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

I had to ask my grandchildren, “What does it mean ‘I threw shade’?”

We have lived through the era when happiness was a warm puppy, and the era when happiness was a dry martini, and now we have come to the era when happiness is "knowing what your uterus looks like.”

Some people are not meant to be mothers and some people are not meant to drive.

There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.

The guys used to tap me on the head and say 'you're OK for a girl.'

Since I’m only a comedian, I’m not going to try and tell you comedians how to do politics. That would be like you guys telling me what to do with my body. I mean, can you even imagine? Crazy.

The thing is this: You got to have fun while you're fightin' for freedom, 'cause you don't always win.

You could certainly say I've never underestimated myself.

I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim.

Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.

Know what? Bitches get stuff done.

Well-behaved women rarely make history.

My two secrets to staying healthy: wash your hands all the time. And the other is hot peppers. I eat a lot of hot peppers.

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

My coach said I ran like a girl, I said if he could run a little faster he could too.

Never underestimate a man’s ability to underestimate a woman.