Match the funny one-liner to the woman who said it.

Know what? Bitches get stuff done.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

I had to ask my grandchildren, “What does it mean ‘I threw shade’?”

In a certain light, feminism is just the long, slow realization that the stuff you love hates you.

Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.

Just because I have my standards, they think I’m a bitch.

My two secrets to staying healthy: wash your hands all the time. And the other is hot peppers. I eat a lot of hot peppers.

Well-behaved women rarely make history.

You’re either a feminist or a masochist.

If I had Instagram it would just be pictures of my son. Who is a cat.

Since I’m only a comedian, I’m not going to try and tell you comedians how to do politics. That would be like you guys telling me what to do with my body. I mean, can you even imagine? Crazy.

You could certainly say I've never underestimated myself.

I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized… I’m just slutty. Where’s my parade?

There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim.

My coach said I ran like a girl, I said if he could run a little faster he could too.

Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

I did not want my tombstone to read, 'She kept a really clean house.

Never underestimate a man’s ability to underestimate a woman.

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.

Some people are not meant to be mothers and some people are not meant to drive.

The thing is this: You got to have fun while you're fightin' for freedom, 'cause you don't always win.

The guys used to tap me on the head and say 'you're OK for a girl.'

We have lived through the era when happiness was a warm puppy, and the era when happiness was a dry martini, and now we have come to the era when happiness is "knowing what your uterus looks like.”