According to DHS Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, because there are TVs and videogames, the detention of immigrant children can’t be considered abusive. It’s fun! Can’t you feel the joy coming from the kids sitting quietly on the floor in their airy rooms?

Equally heartless, equally fake blonde, Laura Ingraham – who, by the way has a child she adopted from Guatemala without being roughed up or tossed in prison by ICE – insists the child prisons are just summer camps! Camp Quit Crying So Loud, The Reporters Can Hear You sounds awesome! Let’s send the white kids!

Here are just a few of the wonderful activities these camps provide children of all ages:

  • Diaper changing for toddlers you’ve just met!
  • Making forts out of aluminum blankets!
  • Surviving off Doritos and tap water that may or may not be filled with lead!
  • Self-soothing through yoga fetal positions on concrete floors!
  • Counting the squares in the fence around you (what a great way to work on math skills)!
  • Storytelling filled with lies, without the campfire and marshmallows!
  • Learning a third language out of necessity!
  • Visualization of happier times!
  • Kiddy terrorism and survival techniques!
  • Being quiet 20 hours a day!
  • Picking strawberries that are rotting in the fields because their parents were arrested!
  • Concentration and sensory deprivation!

And during downtime, the kids will have access to one shared TV that we found in a dumpster that is tuned into Fox News day and night. It is important that the kids understand why it’s bad to kneel during the national anthem, but just fine to run people over with your car if people are saying something the kids don’t agree with.

This sleepaway (far, far away) camp will last until a wall is built on America’s southern border or the children’s parents come up with enough money to buy condos at a Trump property, whichever comes first. If the kids have any special preferences – such as getting to talk to their parents – they’ll have to suck it up. This camp is not for sissies.

Welcome to Camp Quit Crying So Loud, The Reporters Can Hear You, incarcerating — er, entertaining — kids since 2018! Now give us your shoelaces.