Georgia. Alabama. Ohio… Across the U.S., state legislators (primarily old white men whose combined understanding of how women’s bodies work wouldn’t fill a Diva cup) are lining up to take away women’s reproductive freedom.
No abortions after 6 weeks. No abortion in the cases of rape. If you cross state lines to get an abortion, we’ll put you in jail for life. Let’s go ahead and “re-implant” that ectopic pregnancy into your uterus, even though that’s medically impossible and will probably kill you! And hey, while we’re at it, why not declare periods illegal for any woman not intending to become a breeder this month?
Some women have responded to these horrific attempts to turn back the clock to the 1500s with not-so-tongue-in-cheek suggestions that every man be required to get a reversible vasectomy at puberty or pay child support payments beginning his sex partner’s first missed period. These are fine ideas, but they’ll never become reality until we have more women in political power.
We need to do something now to stop legislative attempts to overturn Roe v. Wade and there’s only one foolproof option:
Women need to stop having sex with men.
That’s right, I’m talking to you, straight women. It is time for a nationwide sex strike. It’s been done before and worked well. Read more here.
Even those of us who are not in one of the backwards states where men masturbate to The Handmaid’s Tale, we need to band together and declare our bodies sex-free zones for however long it takes for women to get back the right to make their own reproductive decisions. If history is any indicator, that shouldn’t take more than 100 years.
Sure, it will be tough, but take it from someone who has intentionally not had sex for 10 years, 6 months, and 3 days… not that I’m counting… it gets easier.
Plus, studies show that women who don’t have sex with men get smarter!
In order to make sure you can commit to not having sex with any man no matter how desperately he pleads or how drunk and horny you are, here are some quick tips for dealing with your libido during the coming sex strike:
- Buy more vibrators. That’s an investment that always pays off.
- Go out to dinner with your girlfriends every night and stuff yourself with carbs. We all know how effective bloat is at reducing libido.
- Spend a lot of time dwelling on the worst sex you’ve ever had with a guy. Relive it over and over until the idea makes you nauseous.
- Think of something that freaks you out. Maybe spiders or needles or Mitch McConnell’s face. Every time your brain wanders to thoughts of sex, replace them with the freak-out thing. It’s a very effective form of aversion therapy.
- Watch childbirth videos – yours or a stranger’s.
- Call your mother and ask her about her sex life.
These actions will help you remain abstinent without investing in a chastity belt, which, in my case, just makes me hornier. I like an obstacle.
Of course, declaring yourself off limits will just pique some guys’ interest, so as usual, we women will have to do the work of managing their behavior as well. Here are some quick and easy ways to make a man’s head turn away from you so quickly he gets whiplash.
- Become a Golden Girl. Get yourself a granny-style gray wig and a satin mumu. Wear granny panties and make sure it’s obvious that you do. Carry hard candy in your purse. Wear way too much rose-scented perfume. It’s a general rule that older women become invisible to men, so anything you can age yourself – even temporarily – is on the table. Just think of the money you’ll save on anti-aging creams!
- Don’t shave anything and make sure you flaunt your Sasquatch pits and legs. Yes, there is the chance that this will just encourage hippie men, so make up some business cards showing you work in advertising. That will scare them off.
- Every time you’re in close proximity to any man (even if it’s a stranger in an elevator or your cousins at a family reunion), comment on the gargantuan size of your last lover’s penis. This will intimidate all men within earshot.
- Start every conversation with, “God, this chlamydia really itches.”
Whatever it takes for as long as it takes. Remember: When it comes to protecting ourselves and our sisters, leave all sperm behind!