Woman as host body

You Too Can Become a Host Body (Restrictions May Apply)

by Katherine Shaw
Katherine Shaw

Thanks to Florida House Speaker Jose Oliva, we finally have a phrase that captures the complexity of pregnant women: host bodies.

Rest assured – its not all bad news! With each rapid change in our country’s policies, a business opportunity is made. Below is a recruitment advertisement that I envision will crop up in the upcoming weeks…

Women are becoming Host Bodies at a rapid speed thanks to the newly enacted heartbeat bill in Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Iowa, Mississippi, North Dakota, and Ohio. Join us!

Are you a woman between the ages of 18 and 35? Is the side hustle on top of your full-time job leaving you tired, achy, but still broke? What if I said that you could leverage your ability to withstand ongoing fatigue while making extra income?

The latest and greatest in freelance hospitality wants you to host our nation’s babies!

The U2Rest company, recently founded in May 2019 after the much-anticipated abortion restrictions, is actively recruiting for full-time Host Body positions. The most competitive applicants will have a passion for fitness, will strongly identify with the phrase “a mother’s intuition,” and will find themselves on the lower-end of the above-mentioned *age range.

*Due to the Age of Consent fluctuating between 16 and 18 depending on the state, our legal team has advised U2Rest to employ women no younger than 18. However, the current political climate is promising, and we hope to welcome women upon their first signs of fertility in the future. Please understand that due to liability concerns and ageism, U2Rest does not currently accept women older than 35 years of age.

Our U2Rest freelance Host Bodies benefit from our heartbeat, uh, heartfelt business model. What can you expect when you become a Host Body?

  • Begin earning immediately after our healthcare team detects a heartbeat emanating from your womb.
  • Work from home! Our Host Bodies are encouraged to carry out their hosting duties in the comfort of their own homes, as our U2Rest Administrative Office recently relocated to the Cayman Islands.
  • Expect each guest to be under your administration for a period of 9 months. After hosting requirements are completed, you may re-enroll for hosting within 2 business days of delivering your guest. Please contact our HR Re-Enrollment team by calling 1-800-ERA-NOT-EVER.
  • No restrictions of clientele. Here at U2Rest, we expect our Host Bodies to welcome business from any and all men. We believe in inclusivity and commitment, and hope that you will understand that upon inception, your hosting contract is binding.
  • We provide 24/7 phone counseling for any Host Bodies experiencing health complications and/or an overwhelming sense that delivering this guest is a mistake. You will be referred to our Network of Pastoring Evangelicals (NOPE) who can ease your worry by reminding you of God’s Will.

Often, women engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that limit their hosting experience. Common themes are:

  • The woman has financial constraints and believes she cannot afford to host a guest.
  • The woman has become overly-dependent on time-management and is rigid in planning the arrival of guests.
  • The woman believes her hosting was done by accident, by means of assault or does not understand God’s Will (please contact our NOPE team for further assistance).

We want women everywhere to let go of their ill-guided, secular notions of hosting. The U2Rest team will guide potential Host Bodies in understanding their true potential.

The Host Body position not only allows women to create a passive income stream to offset the gender pay gap, but Host Bodies create lifelong relationships with their guests!

Check out some recent reviews.

5 out of 5 Rating from Chucky Jr., DOB 5/20/2019: “I’ve grown quite fond of my Host Body (can’t remember her name). She provided a very comfortable environment for my 9-month stay and I hope to return the favor by inheriting all her property in the coming years so that I can protect her from making poor choices like applying for a Ph.D. in Women’s Studies.”

4.5 out of 5 Rating from Little Ryan, DOB 5/23/2019: “This girl is so cool – she gave me lots of food and LOTS OF KICKING ROOM! I kick and somersault, and it’s like she’s actively ignoring me, LOL! Maybe she didn’t want me as a guest, but hey, whatevs. My only advice? I’d appreciate some earplugs to drown out her crying fits.”

The current job market is tight due to a plethora of “highly qualified white men” clutching CEO and other high-income jobs. But you know what? You can escape the rat race that is our American labor system; the Host Body job was created specifically for women!

Women of America (aged 18 to 35)! Embrace your pre-determined destiny and call the U2Rest team today!

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