Twin Flames or a Burnt Out Match: When to Choose You

by Jaz Hurford
Jaz Hurford

Have you ever had an attraction to someone so painful and so immediate you start to believe in the old adage “love at first sight”? Locking eyes across a dusty library. Holding gazes over a liquor-sticky bar. An instantaneous connection you’ve never felt before. Of course, we’re all prone to romanticizing relationships with people we’ve never met before…some of them being fictional…perhaps I’ve said too much.

But you’ve usually conversed with said people a little before creating scenarios about them in your head (unless they don’t exist). This type of connection is different. It takes control of you. You need to know them…Okay, that was my last “Twilight” reference.

Seriously, though; a week ago you didn’t know such a person existed. Now, all that matters is that they do.

And the reason you’re so hooked? Because the person, or the joining with them, is characterized through nothing but pain. Pure pain and wistfulness. Unfortunately, this form of union happened to me last year. And so, like any sane woman would, I Googled it.

Once I’d scrolled through the typical “10 ways to get over heartbreak” stuff (no shade; believe me when I say I’ve probably read them all), I found the article that changed my life. Well, maybe not my life; we’ll call it my perception. And honestly, mindset is everything. It was about twin flames.

Now, I’d never heard of them either. But it seems like a twin flame is the deepest form of connection we undergo. They’re thought to be literally the other half of your soul. To put this into perspective, I’ll say that a soulmate merely has the same energy as you.

Sometimes called mirror souls, these relationships are distinguished through hardship and pain. Indeed, the whole purpose of the encounter is personal growth.

So basically, what I’m saying is — you’ll be in a period of life already fraught with difficulty, and then they come in as the cherry on top of that not so sweet cake. They’re the straw that breaks the camel’s back, as it were. You’re drawn to them straight away because you need them as part of your personal transformation. You think you love them.

I think we, as women attracted to men, tend to glorify perilous relationships. More than men do, anyway. Women see struggles in relationships as something to work through and overcome. Men opt for ease. This is my experience with it.

There will be a whole range of reasons for this. We could analyze it from either an evolutionary or cultural perspective. Indeed, it doesn’t help that women are raised on a diet of rom-coms and the patriarchy teaching them to do whatever they can to “secure” a man.

Our upbringings play a part in it, too. People with anxious attachment styles are more likely to be drawn to unhealthy relationships because that’s what we think love is (totally outing myself here). This brings me to my point: if we are to let go of that unhealthy part of ourselves, do we need to let go of who we believe to be the love of our life?

Are they even the love of our life? Or are they just another excuse to keep us from leveling up?

Growth is difficult. I know this firsthand. It’s far easier to repeat the comfortable patterns we know rather than take that first step into uncertainty.

We don’t want to be alone so much that we desperately search the internet for a reason why we should continue to suffer through poor treatment from someone. We find that article about a twin flame and revel in it because it standardizes our sub-par relationships.

Everything I’ve read about twin flames says that there are several stages; the final stage being “the reunion.” So, in theory, we end up with this person no matter what. And maybe that’s where I am too. Maybe that’s where you are, if you’re reading this and you’re currently not on speaking terms with someone you think is your forever.

But I don’t think this theory means you should put your life on hold. Sometimes rejection is redirection. How many times can you forgive the same patterns in the name of love before they’re seen as self-sabotage?

I’m not speaking about overt displays of disrespect like cheating; that’s more of a black and white issue. I’m speaking about all the shades of grey in between (not like that — get your mind out of the gutter, girl). It’s the lack of quality time. It’s the subtle ways they put you at the bottom of their priority list. It’s the two word replies you find yourself not wanting to complain about because he does, in fact, reply very quickly.

We stick it out for so many reasons. It becomes a vicious cycle until the codependency leaves you thinking you’ll actually die without them. Like, heart stopping, brain ceasing, six feet under death. If you can’t relate, I’m both jealous of and happy for you.

Is this really the person you’re supposed to be with for the rest of your life? Clue: absolutely not. If you decide to let them go, will you cry all of the water out of your body? Clue: absolutely! But if you carry on. Are you cutting yourself short?

Are you not leaving them because you’re scared of the infinite possibility that comes with putting yourself before any romantic attachment? I know you’re a strong girl, girl. I know that if you do what’s best for you, you’ll stop worrying about the stage you and your twin flame are at. And, on a final note:

I know you’ve got this.

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