If you’re a heterosexual woman, you may find yourself months or even years into a relationship with a man before it hits you: this dude is a misogynist.
As someone who has dated and even married men who truly didn’t believe women were their equals, I am here to alert you to some of the warning signs I should have picked up on, but didn’t. I blame oxytocin, a word I believe is Latin for “Orgasms turn me into an idiot.”
But before we get started on the red flags, let me offer a caveat: You may think that a man’s misogyny is just a minor character quirk you can change with time, but you are wrong. I was married to two misogynists for a total of 16 years and the only thing that changed was my willingness to tolerate their assholery…and my understanding that the only creatures I could change the behavior of were actual dogs, not literal ones.
Clear signs you’re dating a misogynist:
- He wears his misogyny on his sleeve. Whether it’s a “This is what a misogynist looks like” t-shirt or a bumper sticker that reads, “Don’t be sexist. Bitches hate that!” he’s letting you know exactly how he feels. Hey, at least he believes in truth in advertising. Run now and do NOT have sex just once to see if he’s good in bed. He’s not.
- There’s a Confederate flag flying from his pick-up truck or he has a Nazi swastika tattoo on his bicep. I’ve never met a guy who hated brown or black people or Jewish people who didn’t also hate women people. The only reason to date him is if your bucket list includes “punching a Nazi in the face” or stealing a klansman’s white sheets.
- His weekends are spent in Civil War re-enactments and he always fights for the South. He’s not looking for a relationship; he’s looking for a servant.
- He’s late to dinner because his men’s rights group told him that to show up on time just makes women think they are in control.
- His last name is Trump.
- He straight-up asks, “You’re not one of those feminazis, are you?” If you try to avoid labeling yourself by saying that you simply believe that men and women are equal and that sexism hurts everyone, chances are, he’ll mansplain to you that sexism doesn’t exist. Then he’ll order your food for you and tell you – as your face and lips swell up – that your shellfish allergies are all in your pretty little head.
- Cats and small dogs are “too girly,” so he will only own big dogs he names “Avenger” or “Lady Killer.” Big dogs make big poo, but he’s too manly to pick up after them, so watch where you step.
- His license plate reads ALPHA.
- All his clothing, including his underwear, is one color – camo – just in case he has to hide in the bushes to prevent himself from being attacked by angry feminazis. So if ever you must knock him over on the way out the door, tell him you didn’t see him standing there.
- He wants you to go down on him during the appetizers and is shocked when you don’t. After all, his inflatable sex doll never insists on making it all the way through the meal first.
- At his apartment, he keeps his condoms in a Make America Great Again hat, but he insists he doesn’t need one because he’s “cleaner than your vagina.”
- He longs for the good old days when men were men and women didn’t express an opinion on movies, food, or sexual positions.
- He regularly reminds you that your boobs are “too small” and suggests a boob job. But when he spots a dildo in your “special drawer,” he freaks out and yells that “Real women don’t need fake dicks.”
- When you bring up your admiration for Ruth Bader Ginsburg, he asks you if she’s one of “those bitches, the Kardashians.” When you explain that she was a Supreme Court Justice, he insists women shouldn’t be judges because they’re too emotional.
- His ring tone is the theme song from Sons of Anarchy.
- You’re pretty sure that the name of the cologne he seems to bathe in is “Eu de Toxic Masculinity.” It smells like sweaty balls and diesel fumes.
- When you excitedly tell him about your pay raise, he gets depressed and goes for a walk to clear his head. You never hear from him again. Thank Goddess.
- The words “consent,” “boundaries,” and “foreplay” are as meaningless to him as the words “Constitution” and “illegal” are to the squatter in the White House.
Take it from someone who has been there and dated that – don’t go there! It’s bad enough your government hates you; you don’t need that from your partner.