When I woke up this morning, I felt restless, without direction. Being stuck at home not only means no physical interaction with friends, it also provides me with no evidence to show off how great my life is. After all, if a tree falls in the woods and nobody’s there to like it, do I really have any self worth?
Since Corona killed my Instagram feed, I’ve been feeling blue. My husband’s loving embrace means nothing anymore; balancing motherhood and my career with ease no longer brings me satisfaction; even my morning workout routine (which, by the way, has left me with an even better body than I had before kids) just doesn’t give me the same smug feeling as it used to. What’s the point in being better than everyone else if I have no one to brag to?
But then I remembered a lesson I learned from my travels through south-east Asia: superiority is a state of mind. There is always a way to brag about how great your life is on social media, even in quarantine!
Here are my seven tips for showing off while we’re all staying home:
1) Make banana bread
Let’s face it, anyone can make normal bread. But banana bread is that perfect balance between healthy and unhealthy. It both says ‘my body is a temple’ and ‘I’m skinny enough to eat what I like.’ Plus, it proves you’re a baking goddess, and more like Chrissy Teigen than non-banana-bread-baking-losers.
2) Can’t show off your fit bod at the yoga studio? Post home workouts!
The beauty of yoga is that not only does it prove how much you care for your body, it’s also a sexy sport, letting you show off your super toned body and your endless flexibility.
Top tip: pretend to be embarrassed when your pet, husband, or kid ‘accidentally’ intrudes on your workout, as this is a perfect opportunity to remind your followers of your perfect family life, and proof that you truly have it all. But don’t feel like your fitness humble-brag has to be limited to yoga – posting your running route (with a great time, of course) also counts as a suitable boast. Bonus points if you also have pictures of your run that highlight how beautiful nature is. Don’t worry if your house is not near any nature trails – you can run back and forth on the patio, so long as you get a snap of your cute designer workout gear.
3) Weekly brunch with the gals a no-go for the fifth week in a row? Screenshot your Skype sesh!
Prove you have friends by posting screenshots of your video calls! Even better if your friend is caught at a bad angle and you look your best. Encourage everyone to imitate brunch by treating themselves to a nice Mimosa – let’s face it, day drinking is totally acceptable so long as it’s a classy drink and you’re “with” friends.
4) Donate money to a charitable cause
Of course, by this we exclusively mean donating to charities that support essential frontline workers – this isn’t the time to give money to your favourite doggy daycare. Don’t forget to tag people in your post: you can claim it’s to raise even more money for a good cause, no one has to know you really just want to prove how generous and rich you are.
5) Post a video about how hard it is to live in lockdown while showing glimpses of your amazing house
Channel Gal Gadot in her Imagine video. Just redecorated the guest bedroom? Now is the prime location to film a video confessional of your quarantine feelings – depression and anger look so much more compelling against the backdrop of silk drapes and satin sheets! Share footage of your walk as you ‘take this time to reconnect with Mother Nature,’ making sure everyone knows just how big your garden is. Remember, angles are everything, so be careful with your camera work unless you want to accidentally reveal that your kitchen and the living room are in fact the same room. The angle rule also applies to your face – a double chin is only going to make your house seem smaller in comparison.
6) Upload make-up selfies
You can do this in two ways. The low-effort version is to post a throwback to an event you went to where you looked good and add a caption along the lines of ‘iss hanging with the ladies!’ The second option is to post a quarantine selfie with the caption ‘dressing up to stay at home!’ reminding people of your selflessness in these difficult times.
Alternatively, your quarantine selfie can show off your ‘natural’ beauty – just give yourself a ‘no make-up’ make-up look and throw in a couple of hashtags about going #backtobasics. But make sure you don’t show your actual quarantine look with your uncombed hair and unibrow – save that for your work Zoom meetings. Don’t forget to remind your followers of what a gift this lockdown is for Planet Earth, and delete any comments from your unemployed friends who don’t agree with you – in fact, maybe just unfriend them altogether, being poor is not a good quarantine look.
And there you have it!
Remember, just because we’re all in lockdown doesn’t mean your social media has to be! Make yourself as contagious as Corona with posts, posts, posts! And most of all, feel good about yourself – or at least make everyone else feel worse.