How to Summon the Perfect Lesbian Relationship from the Universe

by Allison Reese
Allison Reese

As a lesbian, dating, can be hard. Our culture is known for not knowing when to make the first move (thanks patriarchal dating in movies and TV! How do we know who kisses whom if we are both girls and neither of us is Edward Cullen?) We’re also known for settling down too fast, or talking with someone on a dating app forever and then it just fizzles out, either because they found a partner and already moved in with them. (Or, perhaps, because neither one of you knew how to make the first move!)

It’s cyclical and honestly, can be a bit of an energy wipe. In harsh times, you can always turn to Mother Earth and the universe for help. This is how I met my wife, so if you’re lonely and looking for your lesbian beaux, this list is a surefire way to bring that love to you!

1. Make a List

Keep a list of all the qualities you want in your perfect partner. I wrote out the list below of who my perfect partner would be and the qualities they would possess. The very next day, I met my wife! So write a list and take that list with you EVERYWHERE and be sure to feel grateful for it. I’m sure it will work for you just like it did for me.

2. Practice Visualization

See your perfect partner in even the most random of places. For example, if you have those ceiling lights that look like titties, stand under that light and pretend to lick that tittie! Your future partner will be glad you had all that practice!

3. Really Feel It

The Universe responds to your feelings, so really FEEL as though your partner is there with you, and if it helps, you can build a makeshift mannequin version of the person you described in your journal. And if it helps, give the mannequin a little kiss.

4. Say Daily Affirmations

Before I met my wife I would begin each day with the phrase “I am going to find the perfect lesbian, and it is okay if she is not the emotionally healthy version Shane McCutcheon from The L Word, Generation Q. When I met my wife, I realized that she’s hotter and far more emotionally mature than a character from a TV show.

5. Express Your Gratitude

Be sure to feel and express gratitude daily, especially for things that didn’t work out in your dating life before, because all of those events are paving the way to your perfect partner- except for that time you dated Karen. That sucked and was pointless.

6. Meditate

Our minds are a muscle that you must flex. Use mantras such as, “I will find my lesbian lover, and SHE will make the first move.” or “Breathe in, breathe out, strap-on.”

7. Emit the Right Energy

Having the right energy is EVERYTHING. Meta physicists have proven that energy acts as a force in nature, so with that in mind, make sure that the energy you have is in line with the energy you want to bring to your life and your perfect partner. In this case, it is imperative to possess BDE or Big Dyke Energy. Both my wife and I have BDE, and it is treatable with many vegan creams.

8. Be Around Those Who Have What You Want

Surround yourself with people who have the kind of love you wish you had but don’t. Find happy couples and just start following them around town. Invite yourself to their date nights when they are specifically NOT looking for a third. Sure, you’ll be a third wheel, but you’ll get to see firsthand what a healthy relationship looks like, even if it is from your special spot in the bushes.

9. Love

Love begets love. Start showing the things in your house the loving affection you would be showing a partner if you had one. Goose your refrigerator, or come up behind a highback chair to give it a sweet back hug. So cute!

10. Practice the Lesbian Mating Call

If all else fails, it won’t hurt to yell out the lesbian mating call which of course is Laura Dern’s line from Jurassic Park: “We can talk about sexism in survival situations when I get back.” Two, maybe three lesbians will immediately show up at your door to ask you if you want to talk about Brandi Carlisle and the pros and cons of going vegan! I’ll never forget the day my wife came to the door holding a vegan pizza and asking if I was the one who gave the call.

Wait no longer, young lesbian! Follow these tips and you will attract your perfect partner so quickly you’ll barley have time to cuff the short sleeves on your button up. I know I sure did.

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