I’ll See Your Dick Pic and Raise You This Tampon

by Leigh Anne Jasheway
Leigh Anne Jasheway

I’ve never met a woman who enjoyed receiving unsolicited dick pics. Fortunately for me, the only men typically attracted to me are in their 80s and can’t hold a cell phone at crotch level without dropping it, so I’ve never received  a picture of a man’s junk. Unless you count the time my ex-husband sent me a photo of all the stuff in his storage unit, asking me if I wanted anything. I. Did. Not.

But my younger friends complain about getting anatomically graphic photos from random men if they dare to have a conversation on Tinder or Bumble or Plenty of Weirdos in the Sea. And despite telling guys to cut it out and insisting that there’s nothing about these pictures that turns them on, the men just won’t listen.

So, I’ve come up with a list of things you can send pictures of in return that men may find equally gross, disgusting and disturbing. Send any or all of these any time you get a penis selfie and see if the problem doesn’t soon resolve:

  • A single tampon, out of its wrapping and lying on a red blanket.
  • An over-ripe mango surrounded by fruit flies.
  • A ball of soapy hair removed from the bathtub drain.
  • The saggy skin where your dog used to have testicles.
  • A toilet sitting on someone’s front porch next to a pitcher of iced tea.
  • A collection of your toenails spelling out “Hi.”
  • A calendar with five days marked off in red Xs.
  • You surrounded by four crying babies.
  • Two cherry tomatoes being crushed by a stiletto heel.
  • A clothesline with nothing but granny panties hanging from it.
  • A target with an axe dead-center in the bullseye.
  • Five books on abstinence fanned out on a coffee table next to a vase of rosebuds, none of which have opened.
  • The 10-foot long penis of the blue whale (that’s right – 10-feet!).
  • A medicine cabinet filled with yeast infection creams and antibiotics.
  • Three vultures circling an unknown dead thing on the road.
  • Kids’ blocks spelling out “Daddy.”
  • A baggie filled with clam chowder.
  • Flames lapping around a pristine sports car.
  • A peeled banana stabbed with 23 toothpicks.
  • A pregnancy test stick lying on the corner of a bathroom vanity.
  • The Wikipedia page for the movie Fatal Attraction.
  • The headstone of anyone named Dick.

There. That should take care of the problem!

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