Heteronormativity is a bitch, particularly when it makes men assume that bisexuals are constantly horny for sex, and think of nothing but threesomes: if only that were the case. I guess the main annoying thing is that despite my better judgment, I do continue to fancy men. This, as others have said, is proof that sexuality is indeed not a choice (if we really must produce proof). As a bisexual woman, I have increasingly found that my idea of what bisexuality is (and I guess I should have a fair idea) clashes with the ideas of the men I meet.
I’ve distilled in the form of a letter to these men, seven highlights of the misconceptions which have popped up (like unwanted erections) in hetero cis-male fantasies. I do worry that writing them down might cause the death of a “unicorn”, or perhaps that crashing sound is not the death of a fantastical beast, but the noise of those fallen hopes and dreams that populate the cis-het male sexual imaginary.
Dear cis-gender heterosexual man,
- I am not your “unicorn.” I know that you have been looking “all your life” for a woman who “gets” how you are “too much” of a man for just one woman in the bedroom. You just need that one woman who will join you and your girlfriend in bed so you can live out your fantasy, and since I am bi, I must be The One (otherwise known as the mythical “unicorn” bi girl who will fancy both you and your girlfriend, which I obviously must, since I am bi). The problem is, I only fancy your girlfriend and I don’t want you to watch. Awkward.
- I’m not bisexual because I’m indecisive. As I said at the start, if I could choose who I’m attracted to, I would choose women. That way, I would not have to write this letter. It would save me a lot of time and trouble. While we’re here, just because I desire all genders does not mean I want them all in my bed at once. There isn’t enough room.
- Yes, it is possible to have sex without a big fat penis involved. I know it is hard to accept. I know it is frankly mind blowing to you, but my girlfriend and I can screw each other in ways you literally cannot imagine and here’s the thing: we don’t need there to be a penis (or penetration) for us to have incredible sex. Shocking.
- If I am with a man, I am not hetero (I’m still bi). If I am with a woman, I am not a lesbian (I’m still bi). And if I am with a non-binary person, I’m still bi! Whatever the genital landscape of my partners, I am bi. I do not magically become straight when I am with a man, and I do not stop desiring men when I am with a woman. It is entirely possible for me to desire people regardless of the genitals that they have and for me to continue with that same desire, even when I am partnered. It’s super confusing, I know, but put it this way: it’s like when you are a straight man and you remain straight and you desire women, even when you have a partner.
- I am not constantly horny. I do not have time. I have a life, a job, Netflix, etc.
- No, we do not just “cuddle.” I know it is a mystery to you regarding sex between women (see point three above) but my relationships with women are not of the “BFF” kind when we just cuddle up in bed, paint our nails and watch films. I mean there is some of that, but only when we aren’t screwing.
- No, we won’t kiss for you. This is the most important one. My girlfriend and I kiss when we want to kiss each other. This is because we want to kiss each other, not because we want you to watch. Your girlfriend can if she wants though.