The recent royal wedding got me thinking about how totally backwards the wedding industry is. But I mean hey, look how far we’ve come from swapping a couple of goats and blankets for the bride.

Nowadays the father walks the bride down the aisle and gifts her to her future husband. I’m so glad we’re totally past the whole ‘women as property’ thing, right?

“Weddings are kind of weird. I mean, what’s the logic? It’s like, “Well, we love each other. Why don’t we pretend we have a kingdom? We’ll invite your parents’ friends, my parents’ friends, and we’ll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation.”
-Jim Gaffigan

I digress (#neveractuallytho). Here’s a few things that perturb or disturb me. Pick whichever one better suits your palette. And if you’re easily offended about the $30,000 wedding you’re currently planning or have had, stop reading now!

White wedding dresses

You know why wedding dresses are white right? It’s a purity thing. Which some people say wasn’t a virginity thing, but it totally makes sense to me. A creepy subconscious gesture to show our future husband that we’re untainted and pure – that no other man has entered into our love den, and that our future husband is the first and only man to lay claim TO THIS LAND – our wicked garden as it were.

Even though we’re evolved now and women have the same rights as men, we still utilize the veil and don’t sleep in the same bed the night before to show the world we’re all good, pure Christians. Let’s just repress the events of last weekend, I guess. You know what I’m talking about. And while we’re on the subject of wedding dresses, where did the expensive wedding dress trend come from? You know you’re only going to wear it once right? I’ve never understood the appeal of sitting through an entire day and night in an awkward dress that’s likely super heavy and if you’re lucky, has a corset back. So now you’re heavy, awkward AND you can’t breathe. Does it take an army of bridesmaids to help you go to the bathroom? SIGN ME UP!


The garter belt

Real talk: why this is a thing? I did some light googling and it’s worse than I thought. Here’s what Reader’s Digest had to say: “Instead, the groom would toss the garter to guests waiting outside as a taste of what he and his wife were up to behind closed doors. Eventually, the tradition became part of the reception—no need for guests to hover outside the hotel room.”

I’ve always been creeped out that in front of 200 people the groom casually goes up the bride’s wedding dress with his teeth, removes the garter belt, and flings it to a group of sexually charged men. What does the lucky bachelor do with it after he catches it? Sniff it? Hang it in his room alongside her stolen hairbrush and used panties? Ugh.

Wedding stationary

This one baffles me the most. While I’d like to think in another life I could really nail the Pinterest-esque wedding with cute invitations, place cards and food menus, I really don’t even have the time. Not only do you have to print them out, you also have to cut them with fancy scissors and lace them all, or you can pay someone an exorbitant amount of money to do it for you. And you just KNOW the second someone sits at the table a kid is either gonna lick it or my drunk ass is going to spill wine on it.

So then you have to send out the invites, maybe even save the dates as well and if you’re super extreme, a post marked reply card. Now you’re getting close to the $400-$700 range. That doesn’t include postage to mail them all and all the additional stationary that each table needs. Shoot me now.

I swear, I’m not judging you if you choose to have an extremely over-the-top wedding – a ‘to the tits wedding’ if you will. I mean, I kind of am, but more in a I’m-super-jealous-you-can-afford-a-$30,000-wedding,-if-I-had-that-kind-of-cash-I-would-definitely-buy-a-car-or-make-a-down-payment-on-a-house-instead kind of way.

In the end, the only hope I have for my own wedding is that everyone has a good time. And that it doesn’t cost them anything – or very little at least. When you get invited to a party you typically don’t budget for it, so why should a wedding be any different?

Either way, Meghan Markle walked down the aisle in a close to $150,000 gown, pocket change for her I’m sure. Maybe, instead of wearing a dress, she could wear the BMW i8, a small condo, or seven and a half bachelor’s degrees. JUST SAYING.