In September 2016 I attended a theatrical workshop to learn how to interpret the various intonations. Our teacher assigned us a small excerpt from Edmond Rostand’s play, Cyrano de Bergerac. 

The monologue had to do with people’s curiosity – how they would approach Cyrano and ask him if his nose was too cumbersome for everyday matters.

I found myself trying to understand Cyrano’s feelings, wondering if he would have gone unnoticed if it weren’t for his distinctively large nose.

I can empathize with him, because I’ve always been noticed for my tits, to both my torment and delight.

While growing up they became a burden, both literally and figuratively. I used to hide them behind baggy sweaters, sack-of-potatoes-style. Then I learned to use them as lethal weapons. Then I ignored them. Then I put them on display. Then I made peace with them and laughed at both myself and them.

I made up jokes to make people laugh with me and at me, but not too much. Because whether you want to admit it or not, tits still remain a taboo subject.

One morning in September 2016, as I tried to put myself in Cyrano’s shoes, I said to myself, “when people point out that I have ginormous bazooms, it makes me feel just like him! I feel the same way when I can’t find a bra that fits me, or when I have to wear two sports bras to go running.”

Then it occurred to me to re-write the monologue, by simply changing the nose references to boob references. At the end of the day, we all feel the same when we are called out for our physical characteristics.

I managed to memorize the monologue and made it my own. Forgive me, Cyrano.

The monologue is as follows:

(Disclaimer: The piece is an original; I copied it and only swapped out the nose for some titties. It made me laugh. I hope it can have the same effect on you. Feel free to use it for any body part you might consider cumbersome or excessive. I hope it can bring a smile to those who believe their [insert body part of your choice here] is something to be ashamed of.)

“Aggressive: ‘Madame, if I had such an ample bosom I’d amputate it!’
Friendly: ‘When you sip it must annoy you, dipping in your cup; You need a bib of special shape!’
Descriptive: ‘These are watermelons, mountains, and pillows! Pillows, forsooth! These bazongas have gone gonzo!’
Curious: ‘How serves those prominent things, Madame? For headrest? Or drink tray?’
Gracious: ‘You love the little birds, I think? I see you’ve managed with a fond research to find their tiny claws a roomy balcony!’
Truculent: ‘Madame! When you unbutton your corset. . .suppose that the buttons are shot from your tits– Do not the neighbors, as the buttons shot high in the sky, cry terror-struck: “The breast is afire”?’
Considerate: ‘Take care. . .your breast bowed low by such a weight. . .lest head o’er heels you go!’ Tender: ‘Pray get a small umbrella made, lest its bright shape in the sun should wrinkle!’”

Check out the original article in Italian:
http://www.syndromemagazine.com/it/cyrano-aveva-capito-tutto/