Item #2: Overcoming Bathroom Shyness with Your New Girlfriend

by Maxine Grossman
Maxine Grossman

Quarantine is a weird time for all of us. Some people need more space, some people need more friends, and some people need to just poop in peace.

To all the mothers out there who manage to poop regularly with little tiny humans chasing after them, I commend you. My bowels hate me for giving my attention to someone other than them and they have gone on strike. All five feet of my colon have decided to go on lockdown and will be protesting until further notice.

Why? Because my girlfriend of only two months moved into my 400-square-foot apartment to quarantine with me. And my bowels are not happy about it.

Thankfully though, I have now had eleven weeks in quarantine to mull over this issue and test out tactics with my rascal of an intestine (and no, yelling at it to get the fuck over itself hasn’t worked).

Generally speaking, when I am not all bound up, I am a gracious and giving person. So, I’ve decided to share my top three pieces of advice on how to poop in quarantine if you too have moved in with your new girlfriend (or even boyfriend. You do you, boo.):

1. Play loud music: Go retro with Spice Girls or more modern with Adele, but if you try to say “Hello, can you hear me?” to your butthole, I promise it will give you the silent treatment. Nothing like some throwback tunes such as “I’m just a kid and life is a nightmare” to get your bowels on your side – they just want to be acknowledged, and an emotional song like that will likely do the trick.

2. Multitask by cooking while trying to take care of business: Make your old feces jealous by cooking up their replacement. Soon they’ll be squished tighter than a can of sardines, and you won’t even need to eat sardines. Also, the smell of other food cooking will mask the smell of the patriarchy, which honestly, would bind anyone up. Because of course, we gals are supposed to feel guilty whenever we excrete something less than sensational smelling. PooPouri. Squatty Potty – I’m your girl.

3. Spend $112 on 4 candles: It was really only about $80 but convert USD to CAD and add shipping in this time of crisis and here we are. $28 CAD per candle and I promise it’s worth every penny. It’s a small space. 400 square feet divided by $28, that’s $14.29 per square foot. That’s extensively cheaper than the price per square foot in rent, so it’s the least we can do to make this house a home. They say the way to a girl’s intestines is through her nostrils, so treat yours to something fabulous to sniff. Let your bowels (and your girlfriend) know you’re thinking of them.

I hope these tips help. And if they don’t, just kick your girlfriend out for the day and poop four times while she’s away. If it worked for me, it can work for you.

Thank you, and good luck.

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