Love During Coronavirus: Feeling “Socially Distant”

by Stacey Smith
Stacey Smith

Let’s face it, everyone is in a long-distance relationship right now whether or not they agreed to it. We’re all looking for love, but without meeting up for a frappuccino and/or going to bone town, how will we survive? Suddenly our questions for getting to know you go from “What are your interests?” to “When was the last time you traveled to Italy?”

I know it’s awful. We have to actually improve our communication skills. Gross. We have to start to listen and get to know people before we meet them. Honestly, it’s a travesty.

Here’s a list of date ideas to help us all survive these “Quarantimes.”

DO:

  • Set up a video date. You deserve to know whether or not he lives with his parents and if his room looks like a college dorm room or not. Tell him to give you a “video tour” of his place. It will save you an entire day of snooping around.
  • Send voice messages instead of text messages and have your “date” say your name at least once so you know in advance what it sounds like when they inevitably scream it out later, if you know what I mean. (Sex. I’m talking about sex.)
  • Write a letter to your prospective mate. Prove to them all that handwriting you practiced in grade school can finally pay off.
  • Play a 2-player game online. I suggest something like Words with Friends or Scrabble. Smart men = hot men. If he can’t spell words bigger than 4 letters, let him go.
  • Cook a meal together online. Force them to cook something that’s more adult than ramen or frozen pizza. Prepare them to be marriage material… for someone.
  • Send them GIFs. You’re hip, you’re cool and you’re too lazy to think of words.
  • Airdrop them videos of the cutest babies and animals to drop subtle hints for possible deal-breakers later.
  • Share your favorite news articles about Coronavirus. It’s like talking about politics right away. You’ll know if they’re a fan of “herd immunity” that they’re likely a Republican.

DON’T:

  • Bring up conspiracy theories. This is why I’m currently going through a divorce.
  • Have a Netflix “watch party.” It’s too soon to find out that he’s just like every other straight white male when he recommends watching “Fight Club.”
  • Brag about how much toilet paper you have. There are people out there with IBS who hate you right now. Get that target off your back.
  • Let them know that what you’re doing during this quarantine is pretty close to what you do always. #introvert
  • Send them their horoscope compatibility with your sun sign unless it’s a match. Lesson learned.
  • Send them poetry. It’s too vulnerable too soon.

And finally, a love poem (because I move fast):

Socially distance. Ya gotta flatten the curve.

You’ll have the whole meal later.

For now, he’s just an hors d’oeurve.

 


The Syndrome shares stories that empower women through comedy. If you, like us, believe in gender equality, and want to support our non-profit, please consider donating!

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