Job Description:

Do YOU want to be a part of history, following in the actual, zero-gravity footsteps of 210 men and 13 women, to walk in space? If your answer is yes, then NASA wants YOU. Unless you’re too small.*

*We used to make spacesuits for smaller astronauts — mostly for women — but we had to cut back for budgetary reasons. It’s not personal, ladies, we swear!

Walking in space is not for the faint of heart. That’s why we’re looking for the best, brightest, and most daring young men and women to join our ranks at NASA. If this sounds like you, put in an application!**

**That is, of course, as long as you can fit into our size medium, large, or extra-large spacesuits. There is no size small. And no, NASA isn’t sexist. If anything, we’re sizeist. Sure, the lack of small-sized suits disproportionately affects women.  Sure, we brought back the XL-sized suits after enough men weren’t fitting into larges. Sure, one-third of female astronauts once reported being unable to fit into existing suit sizes. And sure, that was 16 years ago and we haven’t developed a small-sized suit since, but… where were we going with this?

Oh yeah! We at NASA want to be more inclusive! And we’re trying! So please, consider applying for spacewalk missions!***

***Except, if your hips are too wide or your boobs are too big, it may not work out. We assumed women could fit into the same sizes as small men, but this hasn’t turned out to be completely accurate. We hadn’t given much thought to it before, but it turns out, women’s body shapes are actually very different from men’s. Who knew? Not us scientists.

Qualifications

At NASA, we value your qualifications and experience above all else. Oh, actually, we have to make sure you can fit, first. So fit, then qualifications, then experience. Yeah.****

****Spacesuits used to be custom-made for individual astronauts. Back when being an astronaut was a dudes-only game, that is. They were actually made by the same company that made Playtex bras and girdles. And they were sewn by women! How funny, right? But now we have standard sizes, and only one of the medium-sized upper torsos is ready for use. So, if two female astronauts wear medium, they won’t be space walking together! And if you wear a small, forget about it! Really, please, just forget.

About NASA

Are you looking to work for an organization that understands and values the specific issues women face? Look no further!*****

*****We know we messed up when we thought Sally Ride needed 100 tampons for seven days in space just “to be safe.” We now understand the appropriate number to be something closer to 65.

At NASA, we believe no promising young scientist should ever be held back. Except where actual space walking is concerned, because, as we said, suits.******

******And yes, we heard another famous suit-wearing lady wasn’t too pleased about our canceling a history-making all-female spacewalk, scheduled for Friday. We know this woman’s clothes also affected her success in her career path. We see the irony. Heck, we can even see it from space! Haha, get it?

How To Apply

Please send NASA the following:

  • College, Masters, and PhD information

  • List of awards and recognitions

  • Ten letters of recommendation

  • Resume/CV

  • Your measurements