The Seven Deadly Sins of Periods & How to Avoid Them

by Brittany Ann Oppenheimer
Brittany Ann Oppenheimer

Sin #1
The Trickling

Wasting pads for your enviable period is a sin. You care too much about catching it before one drop of blood even hits your underwear. That’s why you waste bloodless pads! Those small packages are $6.50 a pop, girl! And that’s for the good ones that are able to hold the heavy layer of blood that pours out of your vagina like a bottle of ketchup.

To avoid this catastrophe, wait until you start to get pain in your ovaries. Preferably at work where you forget to bring a single pad that day. When you’re doing a job, like cashiering, and start to feel the drops of blood trickling down your legs, now is the time to go to the bathroom, fail miserably to wash your underwear in the sink when no one is looking, stuff your now soaked and bloody underwear with tissues that hopefully won’t make people think you shitted yourself, and hide your dignity by staying perfectly still behind the cash register until it is time to leave. But hey, at least you didn’t waste a single pad this month! Good job!

Sin #2
Cramps! Call For Backup!

On the second day of your period when the cramps undoubtedly hit you the hardest, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT forget to take Tylenol! Some days, you might want to take your Tylenol, but forget because you are rushing out the door. Other days, you might feel like a strong, independent woman and figure that you can survive without it. Maybe at work, if you are moving around a lot, it can become possible to avoid the aches and pains of your ovaries collapsing every couple of minutes if you keep them breathing.

But not at night, you won’t!

Never, under any circumstances, forget to take your Tylenol before you go to bed. If you do, you will have a sleepless night where every position is a bad position and this will, in turn, force you to walk downstairs to finally take that medication! Doesn’t matter though. It’s 2 a.m. in the morning and the Tylenol won’t kick in until 3 a.m. This means I won’t fall asleep until 4 a.m. and I have to be in class by 8 a.m. Take my advice, never forget to take your Tylenol.

Sin #3
Out of Tylenol? Time to Masturbate!

When you have run out of Tylenol and exercising late at night fails you…again, the last resort to ease these cramps is to get your groove on and masturbate. Now, ladies, it has been proven true that you can have sex to ease these cramps as well, but remember, when you’re in a pinch and your man won’t get up at twelve at night to help ease the pain, there’s only one thing left to do.

Turn up that music, lather yourself in lotion and enjoy a night of “you” time while everyone else is asleep… I think.

Sin #4
Mood Swings. Lots of Them!

When you’re on the verge of tears every time you see an ASPCA commercial, my personal advice is to lock yourself in your room for three days until you get your shit together. Soon enough, your sadness will turn into rage, then into uncontrollable laughter, then back to sadness, then back to rage and the vicious cycle of mood swings will continue forever until the two weeks of torture is done.

You might lose friends, especially boys who either “don’t get you” or “think you’re completely weird.” If this happens and you have the urge to cry again, it’s probably time to bring out the chocolate. Mix that ice cream with sour cream and onion chips to help control your emotions that in no way looks stereotypical at all.

Feel shame? No shame!

Sin #5
Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.

Dear Boss,
I cannot come into work today. I am si— I mean, in the hospital and they are keeping me here for a couple of days. They said I might or might not have the flu, maybe, maybe not. Either way, this is not an excuse and I am in no way at home right now in my bed playing Spider-Man on the PS4 until my period comes to pass. If someone tells you otherwise, I have a doctor’s note that is totally not written by me, even if I have the same handwriting as the doctor.
I’ll see you sometime next week.

The Worker Who Is Never Late… Most of The Time.

Sin #6
Periods Over? I Don’t Think So!

Release. Freedom. The independence of finally being able to sleep naked without any underwear drives your deepest desires for pleasure and relaxation. But, what’s this? You get dressed for a costume contest on Halloween only to realize that blood is seeping down your legs when you get there? Your pants are ruined, your costume smells like blood, which forces you to trash it without your parents ever knowing. That’s when you realize as soon as you throw the costume away, your period completely stops, taunting you for the rest of the month.

Remember to wear pads all the time! Except when you don’t. That’s how it gets ya!

Sin #7
What Day Does My Period Start Again?

For those who don’t keep a calendar, this process of forgetting your period start date comes with many hardships. Sometimes, your period comes right on time. Sometimes, your period comes late, forcing you to question life itself after another embarrassing accident.

Most of the time, if a woman feels a slight hint of a familiar cramp, procrastination is imminent. No money or any amount of wishing can ever force a woman’s period to disappear. That is, until menopause, to which most women will question “is switching from monthly periods to constant menopause better or worse for me?” Well, let’s wait and find out together.

In Conclusion…

Periods REALLY Suck.

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