10 New Year’s Resolutions We All Should Be Setting

by Brittany Brave
Brittany Brave

‘Tis the season for….going through the motions.

Now that the gift-giving, gorging and guilting has worn off, we get a chance to start fresh with a brand new year. It’s no secret that resolutions are born broken, but maybe the promises we make to be better people are D.O.A  (Dead On Arrival) because we’re not being realistic with what society truly needs.

You’ll never fix world hunger or your family, but here are 10 easy changes we can be making to make life more liveable in 2019.

1. No More Going Live on Social Media!

Live content is for TV! Not you. Going live implies that there’s an immediacy to what you’re doing, and there’s no sense of urgency in meal-prep or bar crawls. All we’re doing is giving people proof of how boring we are to be around in person. Trust me: if people want a slice of your life, they’ll befriend, date or stalk you. There is no in-between.

Unless you’re on fire. Then, yes, by all means, please go live so I can watch and laugh.

2. Complete More Sentences!

Have you tried eavesdropping on an average conversation lately? They’re FILLED with cliffhangers!
“I can’t!” “I LOVE!” “I stan!”

You can’t… what? And who’s Stan?

The core elements of a good story are the who, what, where, when and why. These sentences lack all of that. It’s as if our thoughts are on dial-up speed and in an endless state of buffering.

Plus, when you leave your language open-ended, you welcome anyone in your immediate surroundings to take it upon themselves and finish that thought for you.

“I love!”

“I can’t!”
“Hold a job!”

3.  Skip the Small Talk!

I can usually tell what the weather is like outside with my own God-given senses, but when it comes to figuring out someone else’s deep-seeded trauma – now THAT’S an interpersonal challenge I’m ready to embrace.

There’s a reason we don’t remember each other’s names or jobs — bor-ing! Small talk occurs when two people read off their Human Resumes, and interacting with each other feels like an interview for a job you don’t have, but already need more vacation days for.

I want to know your weaknesses so I can remember you by them! How about the last time you truly disappointed someone? I’ll never forget that. What’s your kink? That’s how I’ll save you in my phone. Next time I’m throwing a party, I know who to call: Frankie Foot Fetish or Patty Big Penis.

4. Be Less Tired!

Believe it or not, 8 hours of work isn’t all that much. Yes, if given the choice, everyone would rather be sleeping. Silence? Being alone? Dark rooms? Soft things that don’t talk back? Freedom to imagine a life I don’t deserve all because I conjured it up in my subconscious? What a dream.

There’s just no novelty in being tired anymore. Back in the early 2000s celebrities crafted entire wardrobes around this unhealthy state of being. Now, it’s about as boring as saying “I am human” or “I’ve been breathing a whole bunch lately.” Being tired is…getting kinda tired.

5. Get anything but “lit”, please!

In many ways, it is the Yankee Candle of drinking. It is basic, overdone, your family uses it, and after a while you can’t wait to get the aftermath out of your living room.

The term “lit” has come to define a very niche, low-brow level of inebriation. Social scientists say it first emerged on the early seasons of the Jersey Shore and can be spotted by the following symptoms (including, but not limited to):

— excessive, extreme profanity

— a level of sass no one asked for

— deafening “woos”

— a gravitation towards poor music

— selfie binges

— no respect for personal space

— unplanned nudity

You see, “Lit” is a brand of drunk that directly impacts other people and sets one’s decision-making skills on fire. Get buzzed, juicy, tipsy, or even sloshed! You’ll skip all the annoying stuff and take your drunk baggage straight to a bed (or toilet) (or prison cell.)

6. Forget Speakerphone is Even A Thing!

The second you take a call on speakerphone you put yourself at an 11, and we all need you to be at a 6. Some of us can be at a 7, depending on the occasion or how much money we make, but any higher, and we’ll throw off the world equilibrium for idiocy.

You’re kidding yourself if you don’t see that this qualifies as another form of PDA:  it makes everyone uncomfortable and we all wonder how the two of you got there. I don’t want to be in half the conversations I find myself in, let alone yours. You open yourself up to so much judgment. More than your outfit or entire exterior is already welcoming. If i find you doing this on public transit, I have the right to kick off a game of telephone and pass the personal information I overhear off to every row of passengers. Sorry, I don’t make the rules!

7.  Bitcoin!

Still don’t think it’s real.

8. Quit Idolizing Your Pets!

I’ve deeply loved each and every one of my pets. I think animals are great, and we should be more mindful of their conditions!

But, I’m still much, much smarter than my dog.

I can vote. My dog can’t.  So what, he cuddles? So do I and quite frankly, I smell better.

He shits everywhere, and sometimes it ruins everyone’s day. When I shit, I just ruin my day.

Believe me, I’ve tried asking my pets for advice and I’ve never felt more dismissed.

Every time I see someone pour resources into building a brand for their dog or ferret, it’s blatantly clear that it’s a distraction from working on themselves. You’re doing yourself a disservice when your cat eats and dresses better than you do, and it’s just plain embarrassing to be upstaged by a four-legged creature who still cleans itself with its own mouth.

9. Movie-shaming!

A big whopping, “who cares!” for this one! There are so many movies. Like, an INSANE amount of movies.

While you were out watching an obscure Eastern European film noir about a blind pastry chef, I was out doing…. I don’t know, literally anything else. I firmly believe that people who give others shit for not seeing a specific movie are still working through a lot of feelings about Blockbuster’s corporate failure. They’re the people who get invited to trivia solely for their deep cinematic knowledge, but not because they’re good company.

There are plenty of other things you can shame them for. Like, not voting or wearing Crocs. If you’re going to put someone down, do so with merit.

10.  Think Before You Tattoo!

Listen, I love dolphins just as much as the next girl, but every thing I’ve read in American media has taught me that my body is a temple. And, I’m pretty sure it’s still illegal to graffiti those things.

Long gone are the days of people celebrating milestones with normal things like, photos or champagne toasts. Tattoos are ice breakers so be prepared to answer why you have a steamboat on your chest and please respond better than, “I don’t know, I like them!”

I couldn’t possibly put everything that means something to me on my body – I would have no idea how to connect the lyrics to “Wonderwall” with the logo for Planned Parenthood, and I have no interest in looking like a bathroom stall door in a dive bar; permanently graced by empty messages from a slew of different Missed Connections.

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