30 Ways To Know It’s Time for Self-Care

by Leigh Anne Jasheway
Leigh Anne Jasheway

Self-care is crucial, but it might be hard for many of us to identify when we need it. It’s all too easy to get wrapped up in our hectic daily lives and ignore our own needs. The following list will let you know if it’s time to slow down and get some rest.

  1. You consider a 30-hour day doable.
  2. You’ve had so many lunches at your desk, the health inspectors have started writing you up.
  3. Even your Spanx are worn out.
  4. Your favorite pizza topping is Xanax.
  5. You’re considering getting a driverless car so you can catch up on sleep.
  6. You argue with yourself about whether your pants make your butt look fat.
  7. You keep “accidentally” texting your therapist.
  8. Your vibrator is lonely.
  9. Your idea of a break is shot-gunning energy drinks while sitting on the toilet.
  10. The last time you went on vacation, the Backstreet Boys weren’t middle-aged men.
  11. Your #MeToo list is longer than your to-do list.
  12. You’ve worn off the F and U keys on your keyboard.
  13. Both your flight and your period are late.
  14. You had to stop practicing yoga in your car because you rear-ended a cop car.
  15. “Someone” got drunk and bought an adjustable bed and a collection of ceramic garden gnomes using your credit card. You’re afraid it was you.
  16. Your houseplants died when you talked to them.
  17. Your ex has offered sex in lieu of this month’s child support payment.
  18. You think coffin shopping sounds restful.
  19. When you tried deep breathing, you inhaled a dust bunny and needed to Heimlich yourself.
  20. You worry that all those late nights of working with your computer on your lap have given you thigh cancer. Googling “thigh cancer” and finding nothing does not make you any less stressed.
  21. Your surly teenager is your emergency contact.
  22. “Gotta stab something” is your new mantra.
  23. You’ve been using the same disposable razor for two years.
  24. You’ve marched in 12 marches, attended 20 rallies, and you still have the same old misogynist politicians.
  25. You have a “get out of my way a-holes” playlist for your drive home.
  26. You got banned from Words with Friends for playing nothing but curse words.
  27. During sex, you fantasize about clearing out your e-mails.
  28. You have attempted to tweeze your unibrow on the city bus more than once.
  29. Your Twitter handle is @HelpMeNow.
  30. You leaned in, you leaned out. Now you’re lying prone on the carpet weeping.

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