I began the new year wondering three things: How am I going to take off my quarantine weight? Should I stockpile toilet paper again or spring for a bidet? And what would happen if American women rewrote the Constitution?
That last thought popped into my head because I recently read that Chile is going to rewrite its constitution and that half of those doing the rewriting will be women.
This means that Chile will become the first country ever to have a constitution written by an equal number of women and men.
What amazing progress for Chile! Meanwhile at the same time this was happening, back here in the U.S., the state of Ohio decided to shame women for having abortions by demanding they choose between burial and cremation for fetal tissue. And, of course, hundreds of terrorists – fueled by racism and misogyny – attempted to kidnap and/or kill members of the U.S. House and Senate, including Speaker Nancy Pelosi, but hey, at least they dressed up for the occasion.
Here in the U.S., we like to think of ourselves as the best country for women, but sadly, we are a long way from it.
Yes, we do now officially have a female Vice President! Yay, us! We’re ever-so-progressive! Not, however, when compared to the 29 countries who currently have female heads of state or the 75 who have had women in charge in the past. Chile elected its first female president in 2006 and re-elected her in 2014. In-between her stints leading the country, Veronica Michelle Bachelet Jeria (a separated mother of three who speaks three languages, and that doesn’t include the language of the cold hard stare that all mothers learn as soon as their kids are out of diapers) served as the first executive director of the UN Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women Committee.
The chances of Americans getting a new Constitution that women get an equal say in are probably even less than the chances that my latest self-haircut won’t look like it was done by a sleepy toddler.
But, it’s a new year and I haven’t yet had all my optimism surgically removed by misogynist trolls on Twitter or murderous thugs storming the castle, so I’m up for getting the ball rolling. Here are some things I’d like to see in a new governing document:
- The votes of women, gender-nonbinary people and BIPOC folk will count double for the next 234 years (the amount of time between 1787, when the original Constitution was ratified, and 2021).
- Half of all elected offices must be held by women, but not women like Amy Coney Barrett. In order to prevent the latter, potential office holders should read “The Handmaid’s Tale” and be asked whether they consider it a dream or a nightmare. Also, if a woman walks 10 paces behind men with her head bowed or makes a plate for all the Supreme Court Justices who are busy watching football, she’ll be immediately disqualified for office.
- Every dollar spent on the military and/or police must be matched by $7 spent on education, health care, and food programs for the hungry. That ought to slow down attacks on other countries because some white man got his feelings hurt by a mean tweet.
- All student loans will be wiped off the books, as will whatever we said we weighed on our driver’s licenses.
- Americans of color and women (unless they are Karens) will have their taxes paid by Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and Elon Musk (and any other incel who has a billion dollars or more). Karens (of any gender) will not only pay their own taxes, those taxes will double every time they call 911 because people they don’t like are enjoying life.
- All people get to do whatever they want with their own bodies as long as it doesn’t endanger living, breathing, already born others. You want an abortion for whatever reason? Fine. Want to get a picture of Mike Pompeo tattooed on your ass? Go for it. Want to walk into Walgreens without a mask during a pandemic? We have the Constitutional right to smack you with a can of Twisted Tea.
- All women currently in prison for protecting themselves from domestic abuse will be immediately released and given a blow torch and the current address of their abusers.
- No matter if you’re a Christian or a member of the Church of Satan, your religion is your business and shall not be used to force anyone else to do or not do something. What’s good for the Presbyterian is good for the devil worshipper. Elected officials and jury witnesses will take their oaths on either “The Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin or “We Should All be Feminists” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
- Minimum wage will be set to $25/hour for white men and $35/hour for the rest of us. Every white man who complains gets $5 an hour less and will be given nothing but yogurt to eat for a year.
- Companies with more than 50 employees must offer six months’ parental leave or make every day “Bring Your Baby to Work and Let the Boss Take Care of Them Day.”
- Open carry will be illegal. No one wants to see anyone’s penis or penis substitute in public. Speaking of which, the penalty for unsolicited pics will be required viewing of 100 hours of Hallmark Christmas movies.
- Anyone who showed up at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2020 (especially those calling themselves “Proud Boys”) will be immediately enrolled in the Army and sent into combat with only a box of tampons.
I’m sure when we put our pretty heads together, we’ll be able to create a Constitution that works for all of us. I’m open for brunch almost any day since the pandemic has freed up so much of my “work time,” so text me if you want to start the revolution sooner rather than later.