Catcalls for Men Trying Not to be Douchebags

by Leigh Anne Jasheway
Leigh Anne Jasheway

It’s a brave new world out there and chances are you know a man who still thinks catcalling is the best way for him to worm his way into some woman’s heart or pants. And by catcalls, I’m not talking about his yelling out “Snowpuff, where are you? It’s time for dinner!” because that IS the way into my heart/pants.

The majority of women (and some men) report having been catcalled. In fact, in one study, it was 99%!

We all know the best catcall is no catcall, but some men learn slowly.

Here’s a list of more appropriate things they can say to strange women on the street:

  • Hey, girl! Or boy! Or gender queer! You do you!
  • You’re so much prettier when you’re pursuing your own life and ignoring anything I have to say.
  • Can I have your number? I’m signing people up to escort women to Planned Parenthood.
  • I wouldn’t talk to me either. I mean, look at me, hanging out on a street corner when I should be doing something productive like protesting immigrant children being detained in cages. You’re right. I should really take a look at my priorities.
  • You look like a hard-working girl. I bet you’re halfway through paying off your student loans already! I admire that.
  • Hey, baby, you got a boyfriend? If so, does he work on cars? ‘Cuz mine is busted and so am I.
  • Baby… is not an appropriate word to use for a full-grown, self-actualized woman. I learned that in my court-mandated “Grow Up, Dude” class last week.
  • Is this your cat? I’ve been looking for his person all day. My wife will kill me if I bring home another abandoned animal.
  • That dress makes you look like you’re down to get some equal pay right about now. Does it have pockets?
  • What’s your hurry? I’m just saying, you look like you deserve a day off and maybe a vacation far, far away from all this nonsense.
  • You’re hot!… and it’s probably due to global warming. That’s why I rode my bike today.
  • I’ve never seen an ass like this guy standing next to me. You should leave before he makes us both uncomfortable.
  • Babycakes… is the name of my new cupcake store. Here’s a free coupon for you and your whole family.
  • You look like you work out. Good for you. I really should hit the gym more often too. This dad bod is starting to look more like a grand-dad bod.
  • Nice aspirations.
  • Have you read the Mueller Report? It’s riveting.
  • You make me feel like dancing. Thanks for that. I was feeling kind of depressed earlier. Probably because my doctor switched up my medications.
  • Hey, baby, come over here and let daddy love on you! Wait, you’re not my daughter. Sorry. These damn bifocals are fogged up again.
  • With legs like those I bet you can jump over that open manhole cover ahead without any trouble.
  • I’d like to get to know you, but my therapist told me to get to know myself better first.
  • Dayum! I need to know where you got those shoes ‘cuz my brother’s a drag queen and he’d kill for them.

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