Congratulations…Kind of!

by Mia DeSantis
Mia DeSantis

2020 was…well, a time.

We learned about ourselves and loved ones more than we probably would have liked and surprised ourselves by how much our bullshit tolerance has worn thin. BUT the worst is over! 2020 is gone, biting the dust. 2021 is going a little better (maybe?) as we approach a mid-year review. I mean yeah, we expected it to be as warm and lovely as a dog rolling over on their belly wanting belly rubs and instead got a cat biting us after very loudly begging us for attention-it just must be better. We so desperately need it to be better.

One of the biggest surprises for me has been my new view on communicating with other adult humans.

I am continuously surprised that I can still do it and it is the source of my newest pet peeve in conversation which, IF I WAS GIVEN A PENNY FOR MY THOUGHTS, I’D HAVE EXACTLY ONE DOLLAR, may help you avoid a fatal error in conversation.

Do NOT ask how I am doing! “How are you?” is now the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. I feel like I am now trapped in the biggest of kosher dill pickles because I could do the normal thing (AND LIE) and reply “I am great!” Or…I could be honest.

I could be honest that I am worried about people not following the CDC guidelines, yes THOSE people, doing quite frankly stupid and irresponsible shit. If you go somewhere that isn’t for work or getting essential items, come back and quarantine. For the love of God, STOP GOING TO FLORIDA. STOP GOING. I will smack you on the nose with a magazine-stop it! If you had such a great time, I’m sure that you can wait fourteen days to literally ruin everyone’s day by telling them about it.

I can be honest about wanting to be vaccinated. I can’t wait.

This vaccine is the glitter of the medical world-it doesn’t matter where you put it (ha ha), it’ll get on everything and everyone all the time forever.

Once everyone gets it, we can hang out responsibly. Imagine meeting your girlfriends for brunch in a Truly commercial- drink responsibly. (Side note- Truly do NOT come for me. I am a comedian and I have barely any money. The only thing I have to offer is my spirit and that’s priceless. *Hair flip*)

I now ask, “How are things?” or “What’s been going on?” trying to be as vague as possible, so I don’t have to hear about the stupid decisions people make, if I’m lucky of course. Instead, I choose to put on my most normal of faces and reply, “I cut off all my hair and dyed it purple.” RIP hair flipping. That statement tells you everything you need to know about how I am doing. It is also open to interpretation, so if you figure it out please let me know. It’s fun being me.

Also, it is okay to be not okay.

Your feelings are valid. To recover from the expired milk smell of a year that was 2020, it’s okay to lower our expectations of 2021 as we progress in finding out what the new normal is going to be. Lastly, if I have offended anyone in this article-GOOD. I hope you feel badly about going out of town and not isolating yourself when you get back or are STILL not wearing a mask.

You should feel badly about being reckless with not only your health, but everyone around you. We literally spent all of last year being miserable because people like you kept making stupid and careless decisions- enough already!

We are not Ross and Rachel from Friends! We were not on a break from reality!

I miss being a romanticized writer with my big glasses and my little cardigans and going to a coffee shop to work on my screenplay. It’s just pretentious enough that I miss it SO much and I can’t do it if everyone stays in the 2020 era. For the sake of giving a surprisingly not starving artist a little hope, do better and ask me about my screenplay.

Thanks!



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