Damn, Karen! Be Cool: Your Privilege is Showing More Than Your Roots

by Mia DeSantis
Mia DeSantis

Staying at home all day every day definitely is not fun, regardless of how many Zoom calls you have with your technologically impaired family or friends (okay fine, I am the technologically impaired one).

While we are all stuck at home counting down the days where we can get back to civilization, people are outside protesting the current shelter-in-place orders in multiple states, unhappy that their normal lives are interrupted. Are the protesters people who own small businesses who were forced to close? Those who are waiting for unemployment benefits so they can afford to make necessary payments like rent or shopping for swimsuits you can’t wear yet because the lakefront is closed (but when it opens up, you are ready!)? No. It is Karen, who is standing outside in her Lululemon athleisurewear, not wearing a mask, and throwing a temper tantrum because her roots are showing.

Right now, all of us must do our part and stay home – this includes you Karen!

Boo for Karen. She might have three inches of gray hairs to cover up! It’s not like there is an alternative solution to this issue – by walking over to Walgreens, getting a box of hair color (even a root touch-up option which is THE EXACT FUCKING REASON YOU ARE COMPLAINING), saving yourself approximately $40, and staying the fuck inside because there are people dying in the world and, as annoying as you are, we don’t want you to be one of them!

“I’m Karen and this is ridiculous!” she says. “I feel fine. Why should people who aren’t sick be punished? People die every day!”

As relieved as we are that you, Karen, are living your best life, this is not about you. This is about everyone else you are putting at risk who may get sick. This is about those in healthcare working around clock and risking their lives to protect yours, gray roots and all.

Do not get me wrong, my gel manicure has outgrown to the middle portion of my nail and it looks super janky. I could try to remove the manicure myself, but I don’t trust myself with chemicals (did you know that pure Acetone can melt plastic bowls? I didn’t!) and am slowly running out the clock until the manicure is completely grown past the nail and I can cut it off or I can go back to the salon. However, staying at home is the single most important job I have at the moment (which I am pretty good at when I am not peeling the wallpaper off of my mind prison).

Karen, please! From one white woman to another, get your head on straight – overgrown roots and all.

Go home and do all the things that you wished you could do when you had to go to work every day. You could live ‘rosé all day’ and coupon. Maybe even make another Parent-Teacher Association pamphlet about peanut allergies at your children’s school! You probably love that shit. Every time you go outside and put all our lives at risk because you long to make passive aggressive comments to your hairdresser, you make us look bad! People are already sick of us white people and we do not need to give them more to complain about.

You are correct; it is 2020 and you have a right to exercise your voice (hopefully you will use it in the upcoming election!) Why don’t you use your voice to raise money to help the current pandemic? That way your need to be heard goes to getting more medical supplies for healthcare workers or funding to help make a vaccine, that you probably do not believe in.

Please, from women everywhere, just go home and damnit, be cool Karen!

Disclaimer: No Karens were harmed in the creation of this article.

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