DO: Period, but make it fashion! Time to put on your lululemon leggings and embrace athleisure because you can make bloating cute.
DON’T: Stand completely nude in front of the mirror with your temporarily changed figure for hours, obsessing over every lump and bump like it matters. Is this one new, or did I gain weight? Am I pregnant? I can’t be pregnant because I’m on my period. Except I totally could be. Remember that one episode of “Grey’s Anatomy,” where that lady had two uteruses and she was pregnant in one and not in the other? Yep, that is exactly what is happening to me right now in this moment. My body is raging a war on me at this exact moment and really every moment of my godforsaken existence.
DO: Put your jade egg and any other Goop products aside, because your Aunt Flo needs room to flow! Stock up on period products and let your cycle run the show.
DON’T: Hang out with your friend who makes you feel badly for not having a Diva Cup which she is super duper cool for buying way back in 2014 while she was studying abroad in Europe because she’s, like, obsessed with different cultures (so long as it’s not the most ethnically diverse group of people but more so people with different accents). She loves her Diva Cup because it is so good for the environment and not because she gets to feel superior by co-opting this product and turning it into a status symbol.
DO: Lean on your #GirlSquad and get in some time with your besties! How about a spa day? Maybe brunch? Anything to get a good gab sesh in!
DON’T: Think about the last time you hung out with said friend, say “fuck it,” get drunk alone in your apartment, and fall asleep on your couch.
DO: Eat foods that are good for you and are expensive as shit, such as salmon, kale and almonds.
DON’T: Buy one of those bags of Dove dark chocolate squares and proceed to eat all of them in two days because when you eat those tiny little squares, the calories don’t count.
DO: Decrease any bloating you might have by avoiding fast food, coffee-that-isn’t-espresso and other poor people fare.
DON’T: Buy potato chips the next day. For all of the flavor and none of the guilt, be sure to eat one chip at a time over several hours instead of eating the whole bag at once. And of course calories never count if you eat outside of the kitchen, so your couch, your bed, or your bathtub are all fair game. Right?
DO: Cramping up? Girl, get some exercise! Go for a run, hit the gym, and definitely keep up with CrossFit.
DON’T: Proceed to cry-order an entire chocolate almond cake on Postmates. Hey, the article said chocolate and almonds are okay to eat and honestly, periods are terrible so fuck it.
DO: Keep your chi energy in check and try meditation! Put on some relaxing ocean sounds and let the world around you drift away as you enter a state of peace, calm and relaxation.
DON’T: Continue crying while eating the entire chocolate almond cake you just received in your bathtub like Lena Dunham did with that cupcake in “Girls” because even though “Girls” is a very stupid and unrealistic show, you are feeling super dramatic for absolutely no reason at all that is totally unrelated to what is happening with your body right now.
DO: Continue to be your best girl boss, HBIC self because ladies, nothing can get us down!