One central part of pregnancy seems to be reading cutesy books about your developing baby, many of which use food analogies for your growing child. Which…kind of made me hungry. Is that weird? It’s kind of like…I want to eat my baby, right? But a lot of things are weird during pregnancy, so I decided to just lean into it and put together a diet plan that helps you celebrate the miracle of life by eating foods the same size as your baby week by week.
My “eat your baby” diet follows the imagery of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting (5th Edition)”, but you can chow down on your child with slight modifications using other books as well. As an added feature, the recommended baby servings are portioned to 300 calories to help you pump up your prenatal caloric intake at the doctor-recommended level. You (and your burgeoning baby) will thank me later.
Week 4: Your baby is the size of a poppy seed! Scarf down a poppy seed bagel (roughly 300 calories) while you wonder about if both you and your baby would test positive for opioids now.
Week 7: Your baby is the size of a blueberry! Bake your baby up into a muffin and enjoy most of it (or, well, about ¾ – muffins aren’t great for you). Don’t forget that the secret to moist babies is using both butter and oil.
Week 8: Your baby is the size of a raspberry! Feast on two pints of raspberries if you like, or enjoy a handful sprinkled on a big scoop of frozen yogurt for a tasty semi-healthy treat. Coconut milk-based ice cream makes for delicious non-dairy babies.
Week 9: Your baby is the size of a green olive! Treat yourself with several ounces of olives to celebrate. I especially enjoy my baby à la James Bond: shaken, not stirred.
Week 10: Your baby is the size of a prune! Sip on a glass of prune juice while trying not to imagine blending your baby into a pulp to extract its juices. The timing of this baby cuisine is particularly apt, since your digestive system may be failing you at this point as well.
Week 13: Your baby is the size of a lemon! You shouldn’t beat your real baby, but you’ll have a blast beating the topping for lemon meringue pie. Enjoy about a slice to fulfill that extra calorie need.
Week 15: Your baby is the size of a pear! Treat yourself to a serving of spiced pears. If you have persisted and are still reading this, it seems likely that you are a feisty individual in want of a spicy baby.
Week 18: Your baby is the size of a chicken breast! Feast on one baked chicken breast rubbed with salt, pepper, and other seasonings. If you want the flavor to really set in, don’t forget to tenderize your baby!
Week 19: Your baby is the size of a mango! Snack on a mango or two to supplement your diet. Having trouble figuring out the orientation of the pit? Some people wait to find out, but if you’re antsy, the ultrasound technician can help at your 20-week sonogram.
Week 21: Your baby is the size of a large banana! It might be tasty to fry your baby (a little over one fried banana should meet the mark) or flambé your baby in a playful serving of bananas foster (a little under a serving with a small scoop of ice cream will hit the target).
Week 26: Your baby is the size of a 2-lb chuck roast! Put your meaty baby in the smoker for a tasty treat. It might start to sweat, but that just means it’s on the way to flavor town! Serve up a cup of the pulled roast to get that extra calorie kick.
Week 29: Your baby is the size of a water bottle! It’s important to stay hydrated during pregnancy, but some women have an easier time supplementing their water intake with watermelons. Try a few wedges of watermelon to serve multiple needs. But don’t forget that if you spit the seeds into your backyard, you might accidentally grow more babies…
Week 32: Your baby is the size of a cantaloupe! Slice your baby up and enjoy in a nice fruit salad. A few cups should leave you set for the day. Don’t be offended if no one else wants to eat your baby; typically, melons are the least popular part of fruit salad.
Week 34: Your baby is the size of a bag of sugar! Your obstetrician may not like this one, but at this point, you might be tired of carrying the baby and ready to do anything comforting… We recommend you liquify and spin your baby into that classical carnival treat – a fluffy plume of cotton candy.
Week 35: Okay, this one isn’t actually in the book, but around this time, your baby acts kind of like shrimp, as the skin turns from see-through to opaque. Indulge yourself with 40 large shrimp. Your baby tastes great on the grill!
Week 45: Your husband is the size of two husbands! Your baby is here, but sympathetic eating doesn’t just go away overnight… Try to salvage your relationship, but know that your marriage wouldn’t be the first to fall apart after adding a child to your family.
I hope this guide helps you to fancifully eat your way through the ups and downs of pregnancy! I know not every week is covered here – surprisingly, a few weeks in our pregnancy book relied on non-food analogies like heads of nails, clenched fists, palms of the hand, and small dolls. I’ll leave you to dream up your own child-chic cuisine for these weeks… Please proceed with caution, and regardless of where your pregnant food cravings take you, try to avoid actual cannibalism.