Everyday I’m (Side) Hustlin’

by Kristin Wong
Kristin Wong

Hello, and welcome to the gig economy.

Please affix this sticker to your windshield, for it is no longer your windshield, it is everyone’s windshield. Isn’t that a wonderful thing, to share your car in this way? With your peers? We’re peers, aren’t we, buddy?

No, sorry, I didn’t bring a mask. But hey, your car smells nice. You put water bottles in here just for me and that was very thoughtful of you. But I don’t need water, I need juice. For my phone, get it? That was a joke.

My battery is low and I would like to have yours. My phone is like Samuel L. Jackson in almost every movie, always dying. That was another joke. You didn’t laugh, but that’s okay. I’ll remember that when I rate you: Zero sense of humor. Anyway, my battery is perpetually low. Why is my battery always so low?

Please don’t talk to me, I am texting right now. This is peer-to-peer living, my friend. What’s mine is yours, even the vomit I sprayed in the back of your car. I do apologize for that, and also for the following, which happened shortly after you dropped me off:

I have closed
the app
that you used
to pick me up

And from which
you were probably
for a tip

Forgive me
I was so low on battery
so preoccupied
and so sloshed

How convenient! Your home is also my Airbnb.

Here, take my bags. Here, take my credit cards. Oh, what a lovely view. And right by the train. I wish you lived closer to the city, though, and wow, this place is kind of small. There aren’t enough coffee mugs. I need more coffee mugs. Why do you have so few coffee mugs? Your home is so far away from the city that I had to request a ride to pick me up and take me there.

What a coincidence, you were the driver! That was a great opportunity for you. You’re welcome. More money, am I right? Life is an opportunity. Everything you do is an opportunity. Share your ride. Share your parking space. Give me your bike.

You work for yourself, you lucky duck. You make your own hours. You are your own boss. Don’t you feel like a boss? Gosh, what a life.

Wait! I have another gig for you. Pick up my groceries. Yes, from the store on the other side of town. Yes, the one where parking is a nightmare. I would like to make Ragù Bolognese tonight but I don’t have any of the ingredients for Ragù Bolognese. Also, the last guy forgot the sugar, and if you forget the sugar, there will be hell to pay. Don’t forget your mask!

Walk my dog. I can’t do it, I’m building a meditation app. It’s called Om Sweet Om. Oh wait, you only have four stars. What’s up with that? Did you kill someone’s dog? What do you have against dogs? What kind of monster are you? Oh, nevermind. A smudge on my phone made it look like you only had four stars when in fact you have a full five stars. Whew, close one. Here’s Senator Palpatine’s leash. Watch your shoes, his anal glands are irritated. You also seem irritated. Oh, forget it, he can hold it. My battery is low.

Oh, what a world, what a land of opportunity.

It’s like that Pinterest quote said, “Good things come to those who hustle.” We are all hustling. You better believe that I’m out here hustling, too, my friend. My peer. You have to hustle. Always be hustling. Are you hustling?

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