sexual assault

Handy Phone Apps for Louis C.K. and Other Assorted Perverts

by Leigh Anne Jasheway
Leigh Anne Jasheway

Are you a sick pervert who is afraid that your behavior could ruin your career for a long nine months for sexual assault or even land you in prison?

We feel your pain! And that’s why we’ve developed these remarkable new apps that can help you fight your natural urges to commit sexual assault.

  • GrannyBlock – The ultimate app for stopping perverted thoughts from becoming actions. Click on the apple pie icon and a sweet grandmother will pop up on your phone. She will start complaining incessantly about her arthritis and that one infected toenail that won’t clear up. A guaranteed turn-off that works for 95% of sex criminals. Avoid this app if you have a granny or foot fetish.

  • Indicktment – Whenever you feel the urge to commit sexual assault of any kind, simply tap the icon and a former Marine drill sergeant will read a list of criminal charges that could be filed against you. He will also include the likely prison sentences.

  • PopGoesthePenis – This app responds to the sound of a zipper being unzipped by playing Pop Goes the Weasel at full volume. It plays not only on your phone, but also on any phone with a Bluetooth connection within a 100-yard radius. Focus groups of horny teenage boys have found that this song creates embarrassment and re-zipping of pants at a higher rate than any other piece of music, including Who Let the Dogs Out.

  • OtherGuysDicksPics – Sometimes it’s almost impossible NOT to send a picture of your fabulous package to complete strangers, right? Well, not with this app, which as soon as you hold your cell phone at crotch height, will show you the junk of other guys who have much more to be proud of, interspersed with pictures of footlong hotdogs and horses hung like horses. You’ll see longer, wider, more photogenic dicks that will put yours to shame, no matter how close you hold the camera.

  • WrestlewithThis – Whenever you’re faced with the question of reporting pervy behavior of a friend or a colleague in the university wrestling program, this app can help you make smart choices by leading you through a series of questions such as: Would you want someone to tell you this had happened to your son or daughter? If the tables were turned, would this guy help cover up your criminal behavior? Is there the potential for blackmail?

  • DickDickGoose – If your penis starts to stand at attention when in the presence of small children, this app will deliver a 50,000 volt shock. The best part is that your phone doesn’t have to be in your front pocket for this app to work. When you’re lying on the ground drooling, not only will flaccidity happen immediately, the children will form a circle and laugh at you as you flop around on the pavement, thus turning you off for life.

Don’t make other people suffer in silence. Check out one or all of these apps today!

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