How to Keep Your Marriage Alive (in the Time of Covid)

So you’re stuck at home with your spouse during self-isolation. This is not a time to let your marriage die. Think of this as an opportunity for reconnection, both spiritually and physically. No need to social distance from your significant other.

Follow these 10 tips for a fun, sexy quarantine:

1. Assure that you’re healthy. You don’t have Coronavirus, do you? Wash your hands. Take a shower separately. Then together. It’s too late now, anyway. Die together, like Romeo and Juliet, but with more wheezing.
2. Board games. Make sure they don’t have too many rules. Your mental health cannot take complicated, multi-step games. You can play Pandemic…but should you? You’re already living it. A better idea would be to add sparks to your relationship by making every game the strip version: Strip Scrabble, Strip Hungry Hungry Hippos, Strip Pandemic. You get the idea.
3. Shave. Or don’t. You can embrace your cavemen-like, raw, primal instincts along with your caveman like pubic areas. Bodies are sexiest in their natural state. I’m sure there’s some research about that somewhere.
4. Watch something together. Nothing sexier than the Tiger King. Scary movies always put you in the mood for a snuggle? How about that Netflix Pandemic show? Or ? Or take your mind off your troubles by finally watching The Wire. You know you (don’t) want to…
5. No clean clothes? No problem. Let it all hang out. You’re not hosting anyone. But, on behalf of your neighbors, do close your blinds.
6. Cook together. Sure, the meal might be a slapdash assortment of canned beans at this point. Why not make a chili with garbanzo beans? Get creative. Throw in some butter beans. The couple that farts together, stays together.
7. Keep the mystery. Save power. Turn off the lights. You’re broke AF now that you’re unemployed and you can use the electric savings.
8. Compliment each other. Like this: “Honey, I appreciate how you’ve been rationing your toilet paper.” “Why thank you, dear, and your thick eyebrows are coming in quite nicely.” Even when you feel annoyed, try to see the good in each other: “Darling, you load the dishwasher so creatively.” “How sweet of you to notice! Yes, and you make the most delightful chewing noises first thing in the morning.”
9. Let it Go. Do you have kids? Good. Because, if you did, you’ll be watching Frozen 2 at least once a day. Even non-parents can take a tip from the Ice Queen, “Let it go.” There are big problems, like the economy’s collapse and a potentially deadly disease that you may or may not have been exposed to, and there are little problems like “What are we going to do today now that we have no jobs or anywhere to go?” and “What is that smell? Is it me? Is it you? Is it the dog?” Either way, during this time, let it go. Relax. Enjoy your time together. AND OUR LAST TIP:
10. You can’t afford a divorce right now. Maybe you get health insurance through his work. Maybe she’s the only one with an income now. Either way, you certainly can’t be moving into separate apartments at this time. You can’t have a day in court. Court’s not in session, you guys. So, make it work. Because it’s really your only option right now. Time to break out the Strip Qwirkle.