I am the ultimate mom stereotype at Target today. I pulled up in my minivan, strapped the baby to my front and lifted the toddler, LOUDLY SINGING a song in gibberish loosely inspired by “Hakuna Matata”, into the cart. I’m feeling svelte today in my Costco jeans and flannel button-up, one day out from a fast but furious stomach flu that touched the lives of all who met it.
I’m at Target to buy an “I’m Sorry My Daughter Threw up on Your Rug: I Didn’t Know She Had the Stomach Flu” rug and an “I’m Sorry I Infected You and Your Whole Family With Our Stomach Flu because My Baby Put His Hand in Your Mouth: I Thought He Was Well Again” card. The second one doesn’t exist but I looked. It’s kinda a niche market, the whole “throw up apology gift” thing, isn’t it? But, Target, if anyone were to start carrying a line of these items, it would be YOU.
I also had to buy an assortment of mismatched frames to compensate for the fact that I can’t hang pictures correctly, as well as Gatorade, rice, and other delicacies. Basically, I spent $150 as per usual.
They are remodeling my local Target, so I got lost, and then the toddler had to pee before I found where they’d stashed the kid water bottles, because none of our sets are complete, so I was at Target for a LONG time today and thought of some more apology products.
Disclaimer: I’m of the mind that we don’t need to apologize for our kids like those parents who hand out goodie bags to the “poor, unfortunate souls” who have to share an airplane with a child who may or may not have an inner ear catastrophe while in flight. HOWEVER, I am kinda the worst at this stage of life and I hope the following gifts will help people forgive me.
To the person I cut off during the confusing four-way stop by my house:
“I’m Sorry I Can’t Figure Out Whose Turn it Is to Go Because I’m Fielding a Hungry Toddler and a Hangry Baby and Probably Shouldn’t Be Driving Because I’m Super Tired” cactus.
To my Mom Friend:
“I’m Sorry We Can’t Be Friends Anymore Because Our Kids’ Nap Schedules Don’t Align” candle.
To the Waitress:
“I’m Sorry I Didn’t Pick Up the Cracker Crumbs my Toddler Left on Your Floor: I Just Wanted to Get Out of There Before She Decided to Lie Down on the Floor and Have an Exit Tantrum” coffee mug.
To My Husband:
“I’m Sorry the House Looks like This and Also I Didn’t Make Dinner But Everyone Cried All Day Today and I Didn’t Want To” decorative vase.
To My Childless Friend:
“I’m Sorry I Dramatically Rolled My Eyes When You Said Caring for Your Pet Is Just Like Having a Child” flower pot.
To the Baby:
“I’m Sorry Your Nap Got Ruined by Your Sister Coming in and Asking If You Wanted To Go to the Zoo: I Was Peeing and Didn’t Catch Her in Time” teething toy.
To the Toddler:
“I’m Sorry I Snapped at You for Licking a Stranger” sticker book.
To the Stranger:
“She Licked You Because She Likes You: I hope You Don’t Get the Stomach Flu” gift basket.
“I’m Sorry You Have to Wait Just a Little Longer for Lunch Because the Baby Had a Blowout and the Toddler is Protesting Naptime: Just Reheat it One More Time” wine glass.
I admit a couple of these are #sorrynotsorry apologies, but mostly I do feel bad that I just can’t get it together and keep the world healthy, and basically I’m just thankful that people generally give me a break and find my child’s vocal improvisations endearing. So next I’ll think of THANK YOU presents and I’ll try not to make them too snarky….
To the Target Checkout Lady:
“Thank You for Giving My Child a Sticker Even Though I Am Not Sure She Met All the Requirements for Deserving One” tote bag.