Face masks are one of the rituals I enjoy when my skin starts to look a little jaundiced, greasy and I have so many blackheads that they start flirting with each other. Who knows we might see some of them on the next season of Take Me Out.

“Every Sunday I give myself a DIY facial, I swear”

DIY makes it sound extravagant. I start by squeezing my face with the same force that Suzanne Summers works the Thigh Master. Then it’s scrub time: – I chuck in coffee, salt, honey and a few drops of essential oil (the only oil I happen to have is frying oil, but it’s better than nothing), then I finish it off by applying the mud mask evenly over my face, which is of course all scratched up at this point.

After having tortured my face with greasy-squeezing fingers and picked to the point that my face is now disfigured, and after concocting a muddy sludge and spreading it all over… I am happy to report that fuck-all has changed.

The years of pain, patience and expectations were all for nothing.

But then suddenly I saw a glimmer of hope on Instagram.

My life, my face, my skin were all about to change.

Charcoal mask

Did I just say charcoal?

Are we seriously gonna do this?

It had to be the biggest scam yet, but the commercials were so trashy I couldn’t resist.

Basically it works like this:

– wash your face with your normal cleanser;

– take the black mask, it has a strange consistency, it’s slimy, pleasantly slimy.

– slap it on your face

if your clay mask usually resembles a habitat for alligators in Louisiana, this mask will seem like an oil tanker just crashed into your bathroom.

– wait;

– wait, forever;

– it never dries;

– after several hours, days and seasons it will finally be Christmas, then just in time for New Year, you can take it all off.

Right, and how does it come off?

PEEL IT OFF.

Did you think you could rinse it off with warm water?

THINK AGAIN.

You need to peel off the mask so that all the blackheads, zits and other gunk are yanked out of your precious skin.

Basically the charcoal mask will seem like it’s revolt-molting from your perfect, silky, smooth skin that is soft like a newborn baby.

The pain is unbearable.

Hold your breath.

Let’s remove this grossness one step at a time, easy does it, looking like soldiers in a trench.

It’s all off.

Done.

With great satisfaction we examine this black snake-like skin left in our hand.

Look at your face, it’s red like eczema erupting after jumping in the sea.

Finally comes the realization that absolutely nothing has changed.

Again.