Married White Women Make Shocking Discovery: They’re Married to Privileged White Men

by Rebecca Houghton
Rebecca Houghton

In a concerning phenomenon, which has spiked considerably since Elizabeth Warren’s exit from the Democratic Presidential race, progressive middle-aged white women across America are making the remarkable discovery that they are married to privileged white men.

“We’ve been married for eight years,” said Jennifer (we are just using her first name) of Seattle, Washington. “He always seemed so supportive of women’s issues and then last week…”

Jennifer choked back tears as she related how she was driving her car and making a legal left turn a block from her home when the man in the car behind her rolled down his window and yelled: “Move, you fucking slut!”

But that’s not the part that made Jennifer cry. “I mean, getting harassed by a random guy is just a typical day,” she said. It was when she told her husband that evening that things started to go wrong. “I wanted his support. He agreed that the guy was out of line and then I made a comment that it’s unacceptable that a woman can’t go about her day to day life without men harassing her, and how women are still massively under-represented in positions of power in this country, and that’s when it happened… he said: “Okay, calm down. Issues of sexual assault and harassment aren’t as widespread as you’re making them out to be.”

Jennifer was dumbfounded.

“That’s when I realized the awful truth. That I am married to a white man.”

A recent completely non-scientific study conducted by asking our friends on Facebook, showed six out of ten progressive married white women have made this surprising discovery about their husbands since 2016. And they are not alone.

A real and very scientific Pew Research Center study showed that

56% of men felt that obstacles that make it harder for women to get ahead have largely been removed.

Furthermore, another actual study by NPR et. al. found that

55% of white people in general, believe there is more discrimination against them—white people—than people of color.

“It’s a concern,” said Vonda Smith, psychologist. “I’ve seen a huge uptick in men coming to me because their wives have told them they need to understand their privilege and that ‘they are part of the fucking patriarchy.’” And, said Smith, “In many cases the men are blindsided. Their partner’s outrage at their inappropriate comments that perpetuate gender roles, stereotypes, and the power of men in society (specifically white straight men, who rarely have to confront being viewed as ‘lesser’ or ‘other’) are often their first clue that they are an out-of-touch cog in the machine of our white male supremacist culture.”

We spoke to one affected man currently seeking help to understand his privilege, on condition of anonymity: “I suppose I should have seen it coming,” he said. “A female colleague at work flat out told me I was inappropriate a few months ago when I suggested that the reason she hadn’t been promoted was because she needed to smile more. Then, when I tried to tell my wife that her frustration with me might be tied to menopause, she told me I needed to get help or she was moving out. At first, I thought she was just being hotheaded, because you know, she’s a Latina, but she was serious. Women just can’t seem to take a joke anymore.”

But, said Smith, there is hope to address this concerning trend. “People can absolutely learn to understand their privilege in this world. Therapy, anti-racism and anti-sexism classes, reading books, listening to podcasts, heck even listening to your wife’s or female colleague’s experiences occasionally—the resources are fucking out there.”

But for the women affected, it can be a long road to change. “I do love him,” said Jennifer, “so after I was done raging at him, I asked him how often he’d been verbally or physically assaulted by a woman. In fact, by anyone, ever. As he thought about it, I could see a realization dawning on his face, and after a few moments he answered: Never.”

Jennifer then reminded her husband of other incidents where she’d felt physically threatened by a man in her presence, including the time at work when a male peer who didn’t agree with a decision she’d made about her team, came into her office and pointed at her over her desk while shouting at her about how she would pay for her deviousness (despite multiple witnesses, no action was taken against the man); or the time a man yelled obscenities at her and followed her on the way home from work.

When she ran into her building and shut the secure door behind her, he spat on the window and proceeded to yell sexist and racist obscenities at her and a black neighbor (Jennifer filed a police report for this one). “My husband did listen and concede that perhaps, my experience of the world was a little different than his,” said Jennifer. “It’s a start, right?”

DISCLAIMER: This article is satire and uses invented names. Any use of real names is completely coincidental. All quotes are invented. Basically, everything in this story is made up with the explicit exception of what happened to this woman (because that woman is actually me, the author), oh and the Pew Research and NPR studies—yeah, THAT SHIT IS REAL. Oh, and I read this article to my husband and he didn’t think it was funny. For fucks sake.

 


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