Most people have a therapist nowadays and it is fairly normal to say, “I had to see my therapist last week; my husband was driving me crazy.”

It is kind of like having a secret friend except you pay a lot of money for it and – let’s be honest – they won’t even say “hi” to you if they see you on the street. Still, I think it’s worth it.

However, I have had a few questions lately.

For example, why do I get so confused? I go in wondering if my marriage is working and I leave wondering why I am always dieting.

Sometimes I cry, which feels good, but when I really sob, snot runs out my nose and my eyes turn red I think “Shit man, why am I paying so much money for this torture?
Leaving and taking the bus home is the worst, as people think I have been in a street fight. I feel like I have too.

Why does my therapist always have the best seat? I mean, who is doing the work and who is paying for it? Just saying.

Some sessions I go in ready to talk and then I totally derail the conversation and talk about my kids the whole time. Right when there is five minutes to go I say, “Oh yeah, and I am having an affair.” The look on her face tells me right away, I have to come back and pay all over again. Shit.

I am wondering how many sessions it will take to fix me. Five, ten, maybe fifteen?  Is there a guarantee?

Have you tried couples counselling? Oh, that was fun. Have you ever tried the mechanical bull?  Lots of thrashing around, yelling, weird body language and in the end, we all fall to the ground and walk away with our heads down in defeat.  I recommend you go to couples counselling before there is a bull in your relationship.

Why do all therapists have the same nod? What are they saying – “Yes you are right,” or “Yes I get it but there is no help for you”?

The worst part is I just want to know what to do. Sometimes I just want a “yes or no” answer. Like, “Should I leave my husband?” I mean, obviously she has heard how horrible he is from me so, why won’t she just say: “leave”? Then again, I also hate my kids, my sister and definitely my mother-in-law, so maybe she is right, hard decision.

One time I came to therapy with a list of things to talk about and by the the end I had a longer list.

Mindfulness is all the rage right now. However, my therapist is trying to tell me mindfulness is not the same as a mind full of things to do all the time. I told her my mind works day and night and is so full it could explode.

Why does my therapist always ask me what I want to do about it? I told her over and over again, I am here because “they” won’t change.

I tried to send my husband to therapy; he won’t go, so I sent my teenage daughter. Now she loves it and I pay twice the cost. I bet my teenager gets the good seat.

Once my therapist gave me homework. “What do you mean I have to work on this at home?!” I asked her.  No, no! It is hard enough doing the work in her office.

When the session is over I can always tell. That friendly, open, tell-me-anything face changes. It is – oh -so subtle but after you go for a long time you can even tell the ten-minute mark. First, it is a slight shift in her chair, maybe a change in the leg that is crossed. At five minutes, it is her book closing with a comforting “Okay.” On the hour she is standing by the door. I sometimes don’t even remember how she got from her comfy seat to the door so fast.

The funny thing about therapy is I spent a lot of the early sessions explaining why all her suggestions would not work. I just wanted to justify my shit. Once I felt like the situation I had gotten myself into was definitely not my fault, I started to explore change. Here is some free advice, don’t pay the extra to justify your shit, she won’t even say “hi” to you on the street.

So, therapy has helped me understand, life is confusing but change is hard and can be expensive.