When you’re a man, turning 40 is a sexy, irresistible, gray-haired rite of passage. A sports car, a new tattoo and an affair with a 26-year-old fashion blogger, almost make you wish 40 had come around sooner.
But as a woman? Not so much…
Here are some of the things you can expect as life hurls you towards your 40th birthday:
Droppin’ your clothes in a solid minute
Also known as the work-clothes-to-PJs algorithm (and no, I’m not talking about getting naked for men). Extensive research has found that the older you are, the shorter the time between entering your front door and being in PJs. Remember how impressed your friends were when at 12 you were the first to learn how to unhook your bra under your shirt and pull it out of your sleeve? This is next level ninja moves, sister. By now you’ve perfected your game to a mastery and you only need a measly 30 seconds to pull off those shoes, drop your pants, fling off that shirt, and pop on a cozy flannel set.
Professional peaks are a dream of the past. You finally realize you’re never going to make that 30 under 30 list. 80 over 80 is more like the right aspiration for you at this point.
Remember that beautiful collection of heels? They haven’t been touched in a few years. At 40 the site of heels makes your toes tense and your lower back ache. You convince yourself that sneakers are the new norm and a comfortable woman is a sexy one. Your new BFFs? Flats. You spend most of your days looking online for that elusive flat shoe that’ll make you look sexy AND add 4 inches to your height.
Once a touch-your-toe-to-your-nose type a’ gal, these days you have to consider the risks when bending down to pick something off the floor. Bend at the knees and you may hear an awful popping noise from the left one; bend at the hips and your back may stay at a 90-degree angle for good…
You think you’ve been canny enough to hide your true age from the world, but it turns out that scrubbing your LinkedIn profile isn’t enough. Zuck and Bezos know all, and you’re suddenly bombarded by ads that reflect the new, ‘mature’ you. From ads for divorce lawyers to yoni wands to adoption agencies, the internet is whispering your next age-appropriate move. And mostly it’s telling you to pull a Sandra Bullock – find your man-freedom, tighten that vag, and get thee another woman’s baby.
Of Goldilocks & Men
On the upside, this is probably the only time in your life when you’ll have such a range of interest in men. From 26 to 56, you’re right smack in the middle of the entire age group. You still find chiseled abs a turn on, but you’ve also come to appreciate a receding hairline and a beer belly.
Preparing for the next decade (or two)
As you wonder when and where the hell these ‘perks of aging’ came from, it dawns on you that this train ain’t stoppin’ and there’s much more to come… You find yourself wondering how you can be proactive in this next decade and prepare for what’s next. You find yourself watching YouTubers called Hot&Flashy and you take an interest in indoor gardening, just in case.