From: saturninaquarius@dailyhoroscopes.net
Subject: My Return
I am on my way! Can’t wait to see you. It’s been so long. 29 years right? Prepare yourself. I like to get wild. Wow. You didn’t actually think astrology was fake did you? It is very, very real. You are a textbook Gemini, lol.
From: yourdreams2009@fantasylife.com
Subject: Have you forgotten?
Hey,
Thanks for standing me up! I mean did you actually forget about me? We were supposed to be famous and rich by now. You are seriously still living in that same apartment aren’t you? I can’t believe this. After all the daydreaming together, you just leave me to die? Was I not realistic enough for you? Well, I hope your new dreams are all you ever wanted! I will find someone new. Someone young and naive like you once were before you gave up on me!
Have a nice life!
From: drunkyou@Imnotdrunk!.com
Subject: This Morning
Okay, I know things can’t go back to the way they were, but it’s not fair. Eight years ago you could drink twice as much and not feel a thing! What has happened to you? You’ve changed. I can feel us growing more and more distant every year. You used to hang out all the time, but now it’s only ever birthdays or football games and even then, you rarely allow me to show up. Last night was so much fun but now this morning you hate me. I barely drank anything last night!
Not my fault you are old now and can’t hang. I’ll give you some space for now but I better see you on New Years Eve!
From: beesknees@arthiritis.net
Subject: Pain
Hello,
I apologize for hurting you. Nothing is wrong; I just can’t carry your weight anymore. I’m not the only one. Your back has been going behind your back as well. I am sure you’ve noticed. Maybe your back wouldn’t feel so bad if you had better posture. It’s probably too late for you to change, though. This is just something you are going to have to live with.
P.S. Everytime I hurt, it doesn’t mean it’s going to rain. Stop telling people that; it just makes you sound older.
From: biologicalclock33@bestbabynames.com
Subject: CUTE BABIES
Heyyy,
OMG did you see that adorable af baby on the bus? UGH, when are you going to have one? Don’t you just want a baby? They are so cute. Look at those tiny shoes. You could name it whatever you want! Stop ignoring me about this. Your time is NOW. CHUNKY THIGHS. I have been waiting forever, sending out egg after unfertilized egg for years and yet, nothing! And I know it isn’t from a lack of prospective fathers (though looking back there are some who definitely weren’t suitable). CHUBBY CHEEKS I WANT TO SQUEEZE. Make a baby now.
Your best frenemy,
Uterus
From: bedtimeis9pm@itsquiettime.com
Subject: us
I am really glad we have gotten to know each other more and more over the last couple years. I have enjoyed meeting with you at a reasonable hour. Our relationship is so much healthier than it once was. You used to only see me after being out all night, partying. Now we just rewatch “Parks and Recreation”, cuddled in each other’s arms on the couch. I can’t wait to see you tonight!
XO,
Beddy
From: youth@thefountain.com
Subject: Subscription Expiring
We regret to inform you that your subscription of Youth is expiring in 6 months. You can try and renew with a trendy hairstyle or downloading TikTok but it is not recommended. We thank you for the years of your life you spent with us, and hope you look back fondly on your youth, which you no longer have.
Our Condolences,
Fountain of Youth
