Top 6 Things I’ve Tried to Help My Anxiety Because I’m Too Anxious to Start Therapy

by Eloise O'Loane
Eloise O'Loane

There’s something nobody talks about when it comes to therapy.

Let me begin by stating I 100% believe that going to therapy can be an extremely beneficial way to understand how you mother, ex-boyfriend and high school math teacher caused you immense psychological trauma and are the sole reasons to blame for your commitment issues or why you can’t give a customer exact change when you hit the wrong button on a cash register. However, I cannot say for certain because I have never actually been to therapy.

“Why not?” you may ask—well, because I have anxiety and commitment issues.

“Well isn’t that why you should go to therapy?” you’re likely wondering—and the answer is yes.

Except can someone explain to me how SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY is supposed to choose a therapist WITHOUT GETTING ANXIOUS when the thought of picking one out and meeting them and telling them everything I hate about myself GIVES ME EXTREME ANXIETY?? It is a catch 22 that I feel doesn’t receive enough attention.

Plus, I have no idea how insurance works yet and will without a doubt tune out anyone who tries to explain it to me (again—probably something that a licensed mental health counselor could help me out with). So now that we know I’m too anxious to find someone to help combat my anxiety, I want to share (and rate) what I have done in order to remedy my psychological well-being.

Behold: A list of 6 things I have done in an effort to fix my mental health and how I would rate them out of 10.

Got a “bold” haircut.

Ok if you’re feeling unstable in any way—don’t do this. Do. Not. Do. This. Pinterest really did a number on me and one Saturday afternoon I decided I wanted to get that trendy shag hair cut I’ve been seeing all over social media. Already in a state of vulnerability after my sister called it “bold” (which we all know is code for “yikes”), I posted a photo of my new look.

While the majority of people hyped me up, someone did say I looked like Steve from “Stranger Things” and that was all I needed to respectfully jump off my balcony. I suddenly understood why Britney Spears shaved her head back in 2007.  2/10

Moved into my parent’s home for a few months.

At the start of quarantine, I figured it might be a good idea to save a few bucks and have some more physical space by staying in my parent’s house for a few weeks… which somehow turned into a few months and somehow ended in me being even more fucked up than when I got there.

It was nice at first, but I tend to revert when I’m home for too long and I suddenly had the mental capacity of a 16-year-old only getting through by sneaking weed into my parent’s home. Plus, after a while, I am certain they grew tired of the freeloading asshole who ate all their peanut butter and couldn’t keep her room clean to save her life. 4/10


Meditation was all fun and games until I found out it’s not a fancy term for napping?? Who knew doing nothing on purpose could be so stressful? I’ve had the occasional moment of clarity during a 10-minute session but it usually ends up being something like, “oh my god, I forgot to take my clothes out of the washing machine two days ago.” Yet in the event my meditation does become a transcending nap I tend to wake up so unbelievably disoriented, I forget all about my problems for a few minutes. 5/10

Exercised and ate well.

One word for the advice that working out and eating salads will improve your mental health: SCAM. I drink so much water, eat lots of spinach, work out almost every day and I’m STILL sad. But then if I go too long without doing these things I become even MORE sad. So I guess if I’m gonna be sad at least my butt looks good. 6/10

Started a crystal collection.

While the adrenaline rush I receive after purchasing an overpriced shiny rock is probably comparable to heroin, the excitement tends to wear off as soon as I get home. And apparently to receive the healing properties of crystals you need to “charge them” and “program them with intentions” and “use them to sacrifice a virgin under the full moon” so I didn’t really realize I was starting a collection of glorified pet rocks.

But I’m pretty sure I’ve lifted the burden for anyone who has ever been unsure of what to get me as a present. It does sorta become a backhanded compliment when someone hands me a rose quartz and says, “I thought you might like this. It’s supposed to be good for love because you’re so single and pathetic and it will also make you less bitchy.” 7/10

Adopted a pet.

Y’all…if you’ve been on the fence about adopting a pet, screw your landlord and GET ONE. I adopted a kitten from the Humane Society and not to be dramatic, but he has changed my life. I will say, however, that being a mother is hard work! Not to mention it now looks like Edward ScissorHands got into a fight with a chainsaw on my couch.

But the amount of love I have for this animal makes me feel insane at times and I now know children are out of the question because if I feel this way about a cat, any human that I bear would no doubt manifest into a Norman Bates “Psycho” situation. 10/10

It is incredibly important to watch out for and take care of your mental health.

And while we all have our coping mechanisms—some drink, some shop, others shave their heads—I think it is absolutely essential to find healthy outlets in conjunction to understanding why you may be feeling some type of way.

In other words, I think I just talked myself into looking for an actual therapist so if anyone who reads this knows someone who takes UnitedHealthcare insurance—you know where to find me.

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