A 20-Point Program for Getting Your Man to Be an Ally to Women  

by Leigh Anne Jasheway
Leigh Anne Jasheway
  1. Lay out an appropriate “feminist-supporting” outfit for him. Perhaps a t-shirt that says, “This is what a feminist looks like” or a ball cap with “I’m such a feminist, I let my girlfriend pick out this hat” emblazoned on the front.
  1. Brew your guy an energizing beverage, maybe his favorite latte with “You got this!” scrawled in the foam or a beer mimosa. Whatever makes him feel manly while taking the edge off a little.
  1. Explain once again the importance of men being allies and how when women suffer, everyone suffers. You may have to pull out “When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” depending upon the situation, although you should definitely remind him that you are NOT his mother.
  1. Give him a hug and praise him for listening. Make your praise effusive, like he’s single-handedly already solved the problems of cat-calling, pay inequity, and manspreading. Try not to roll your eyes at the unfairness of his receiving praise when he hasn’t done anything while all your work goes unrecognized.
  1. Promise you’ll do his favorite sexual thing or football thing or cosplay thing or all those things all together if he calls out his sexist co-workers today. Use your sultriest voice and bat your eyelashes (if you have sparse eyelashes, you may want to apply mascara beforehand).
  1. Type out a short script for him on his phone – something like: “I find your behavior offensive to women and I am going to have to report you to HR if you’re going to continue to act like a dick.” Be sure to use the word “dick” because science shows it’s one of the few words guaranteed to always get a sexist’s attention.
  1. Call in sick to work. Either say you’re having cramps or that the patriarchy is making you nauseous. Choose wisely, depending on your job status and the person you report to.
  1. Drive him to work (after all, he’s probably a little tipsy if you went the mimosa route).
  1. Attend every meeting. Eavesdrop on every conversation. Whenever somebody mansplains, manterrupts, calls another guy a “pussy” (or any of the hundreds of other ways women are demeaned in the workplace every day by males who apparently don’t know they’re doing it), stare directly at your guy. Hard. Squint your eyes to focus the power of the stare like a laser beam.
  1. Make the universally accepted hand gesture for “cell phone” to remind him there’s a script of what to say on his.
  1. If he gets up to go to the men’s room to work up this nerve, follow him in there. While he’s peeing, remind him that the fate of women everywhere depends on men like him stepping up and doing the right thing.
  1. Pull out your cell phone and show him a photo of you in cheerleader outfit as encouragement. Remind him to wash his hands.
  1. Follow him back to the meeting. If he (a) confronts the dirtbag du jour and reads the script aloud in a way that is believable and sounds like he’s making it up on the spot, flash him a big smile. Tell him you’re taking the car, so you can prepare something special at home, but you’ll pick him up at 6:00 p.m.
  1. If he (b) does not stand up against the offender, storm out of the room. Take the bus home because you don’t have money for an Uber. While standing on public transit, try to avoid being felt up by other passengers and being called a rude bitch for setting boundaries.
  1. In situation (a), once home, order his favorite take-out, dress in that skin-tight Catwoman suit he bought you a Comic Con that makes you break out in hives, and prepare for a night of congratulatory debauchery and itching.
  1. In situation (b), once you get home, destroy his PlayStation or his retro collection of ‘80s albums by stomping on them with your manliest Uggs. Then put on your rattiest flannel shirt and sweat pants. For extra emphasis, maybe slather on a mud mask. You know how much that freaks him out.
  1. Drink heavily. Avoid any beverage that makes you a happy, compliant drunk, like wine. Go for the big guns. Tequila is always a good choice.
  1. When he arrives home, turn into a dragon and shoot flames from your mouth. If you’ve imbibed enough, this should not be difficult. Yell out angry feminist quotes (Google some beforehand if you don’t have any memorized) while stomping around and acting erratically.
  1. Get up the next morning knowing you’re going to either have (a) a rash which needs attending to before you head to work or (b) a horrid hangover that will inspire you to start back at step 1 because today is another day.
  1. Or you could quit carrying everyone’s load and expect him to stand up on his own. Yes, it is probably overly optimistic, but you never know, it could work and it would definitely require less effort on your part. Plus, you’re out of tequila.

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