Guys Should Open Carry Dildos Instead of Guns

by Leigh Anne Jasheway
Leigh Anne Jasheway

I don’t know about you, but whenever I see someone open-carrying a weapon, I leave that spot immediately. I don’t care if it’s my favorite grocery store, the movie theater, or the bathtub – I’m out!

BTW: Shout-out to the stores that have in the past week decided to “ask” their customers not to bring their arsenals with them while shopping. Although I would prefer they “demanded” this, perhaps at gunpoint, just for the irony.

Why some guys (and, occasionally, some women) seem to think they won’t be respected unless they’ve strapped two handguns, an AR-15, two clips of ammo, three members of the NRA, and a target practice dummy to their bodies, I’ll never know. Well-regulated militia? Not so much. More like “Not well-hung misfits,” if you ask me.

I’d like the open carry guys and gals to start hauling baskets of rescue kittens into public areas instead of weaponry, but I have a feeling that won’t happen. So, I have another solution: Let’s get them to open carry dildos! This is an idea that started on the campus of UT Austin (my alma mater) in a program they called “Cocks, not Glocks.” I think there are lots of advantages to this ding-dong proposal:

  • The Romans used dildos and they were HOT. Amirite, ladies? Toga!
  • Dildos come in all colors of the rainbow, even camo
  • When you get off with a dildo, nothing gets blown off
  • They don’t require costly bullets
  • In a pinch, dildos can be made by hand at home (any fridge veggies going bad? Transform that wrinkled zucchini into a wrinkled zucchini)
  • Dildos are less bulky, making it easier to go to the restroom or to grab your wallet at the check-out stand
  • They easily fit into a holster (unless, you go for the blue whale model)
  • They’re not so heavy that they pull your pants down (unless, again, you go for the blue whale model)
  • No one has to take safety courses to wield a silicone schlong
  • The Han Dynasty thought they helped balance yin and yang. Guns are all about that yang, ‘bout that yang
  • Dildos may be prescribed for medical reasons
  • They are regulated more than guns in many states, so guys who open carry sex toys are the true bad boys
  • Dildos have been around a lot longer than guns, so they’re more historical than, say Confederate War re-enactments
  • They can be cleaned in the dishwasher
  • You’re much more likely to have a conversation about a dildo than a gun, which generally drives people away
  • One word: inflatable
  • There is no National Dildo Association that requires you pay annual dues (money which is then spend on fancy suits and mansions)
  • No one will mistake a guy with a dildo ordering food at Taco Bell for a Nazi (unless, of course, his dildo has a swastika on it)
  • Women will assume if you’re man enough to flaunt a 10” dildo, you must be packing
  • Dildos can help with erectile dysfunction, so who needs Viagra?
  • It’s better to use an anal dildo than to be an asshole

Now, really, I’m not encouraging anyone to open carry dildos. Or guns. Or dirty laundry. This is satire. I know it’s hard to tell these days. With so many mass shootings and so many of us living in fear of going to school, concerts, movies, churches, and stores, let’s all be better citizens and respect the safety and mental health of those around us. And if you absolutely must carry a gun when you make a quick trip to the market for beer and chips, just do the manly thing – stash it in your purse.

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