Scarier Than Halloween: Voting IRL in 2020

by Carmen Woodruff
Carmen Woodruff

In my shakiest voice (insert distant howling wind here)…Oooooh! Ghouls and goblins, a scary sight but in 2020, nothing is creepier than voting night! Ladies, pack your mace and don’t crack your mirrors. No room for bad luck. That’s crystal clear. An old witch’s tale to those near and far. Stay safe and alert, wherever you are! Oooooh…

According to the New York Times, more than 75 million Americans have already cast their votes. Women historically show up in larger numbers than men, statistically veering to the left side of things. With the recent developments on the most conservative Supreme Court since similar racial unrest flashed on black and white screens, the eeriest street lurker is the one who doesn’t exercise her suffrage. There’s no excuse not to vote as we near the centennial commemoration of a woman’s first vote.

Here’s what to bring, wear and prepare when you head to the polls, in addition to your Barbie mask:

  • Sports bra – You’ll need this for extra support and to make sure all stays in place as you jump hurdles from the parking lot through the maze of the line, past the broken machines.
  • Camping tent – Bring all your faves: folding chairs, your favorite freedom songs, a game of checkers and a cot for naps.
  • Helmet and bullet proof vest – Get ready to rock and roll in the direction of progression and equality and just what’s right, really.
  • Calculator and a drone – Count your marbles in 3D this year.
  • Spy glasses – Document the day’s adventures to post on TikTok via duet with Claudia Conway later. Also, watch your back, fool!
  • Your favorite horse – Join the Latinos for Biden in Nevada.
  • Tap, jazz or character shoes – Do the ‘Cha Cha Slide’ with Joy to the Polls, a non-partisan group designed to deescalate voter suppression. If you don’t see them in your hometown, make up your own routine! Entertain the masses. Hit it, diva!
  • An appetite for pizza – Deliveries are on the way in Arizona and Florida!
  • Boombox – Hit up Radio Shack; wear some heels and shoulder pads, spreading the beats loud and clear at eye level. Show ‘em who’s boss!
  • Leotard and baton – If you’re located in the same town as an HBCU or a well-known drumline, get ready to march in your silver and sparkle to the front of the line. They can’t turn down your superstar style!

Most importantly, bring a sense of humor and an open mind. We can’t make this stuff up! The news writes itself these days. Stay alert, stay safe, vote and oh yeah, don’t eat too much candy!

In your shakiest voice (insert even more distant screeching wind here) Oooooh! There will be barriers. Let’s make this clear. Mailboxes aren’t even who they say they are this year. Mumblings of armed militia men sent to intimidate. Kidnapping threats of those who were just trying to keep us safe. Be careful, all you girls out there. Keep your keys and purses close. Only one EarPod in; avoid that red-orange MAGA ghost. Oooooh!

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